She Thought They Were Friends, Then Got Assigned As A Co-Parent Without Consent

Helping someone during a difficult transition can feel like the right thing to do, especially when they seem to have no one else. What starts as kindness can slowly turn into expectation, and sometimes obligation, without either person realizing when the line was crossed.

That is where one woman found herself after reconnecting with an old acquaintance who moved to her city while pregnant. Over time, support turned into dependence, and assumptions were made that were never openly discussed.

When preexisting plans suddenly came into conflict with those expectations, the situation exploded.

At first glance, this conflict may look like a broken promise over a baby’s birth, but at its heart it’s about boundaries, expectations, and relational support.

What began as friendly help for someone settling into a new city gradually morphed into assumed lifelong obligations, and when those expectations weren’t met, the reaction was intense.

Pregnancy is a time of physical strain and psychological change.

Research shows that social support, both emotional and practical, can alleviate stress and improve well-being for pregnant women.

A systematic review of pregnant women’s experiences found that various forms of social support from partners, family, and networks help reduce stress and enhance coping, contributing to better psychological health for the mother and baby.

Another study links higher perceived social support during pregnancy with fewer depressive symptoms and lower anxiety, highlighting how support from others can meaningfully influence mental well-being.

This helps explain why the expectant acquaintance may genuinely feel anxious and alone, she is undergoing a stressful period where support feels vital. But recognizing that emotional need doesn’t automatically make a friendship obligation.

Even if support during pregnancy is beneficial, clear boundaries remain essential.

Research on interpersonal relationships discusses how emotional symbiosis and dependency can form when boundaries blur, leading one person to expect support as a given rather than a mutually agreed choice.

Emotional symbiosis involves excessive interdependence and difficulty respecting separateness in relationships. When boundaries aren’t defined, someone might interpret neutrality or kindness as obligation.

What happened here aligns with this pattern: the acquaintance initially asked for help, but over time began assuming the OP would fill roles (birth attendance, long-term childcare) without explicit consent.

That shift from mutual social support to expectation is where boundaries were crossed.

Human social systems do include forms of cooperative care (sometimes called allomothering), in which extended networks help mothers emotionally and physically, not as a duty, but as voluntary support that lightens the load.

This is distinct from expecting one person to permanently fill that role, especially someone without clear agreement.

Expectancy Violations Theory explains that when someone behaves contrary to another’s expectations, the recipient can experience distress, often interpreting the action as rejection or abandonment.

In this case, the acquaintance expected the OP to attend the birth and assist afterward; when those expectations weren’t met, she viewed it not as a decision but as a breach of support and loyalty.

Psychological research also distinguishes between emotional support (comfort, reassurance) and instrumental support (tangible help like childcare).

Studies on support exchanges suggest that emotional support is often much less felt as burdensome by both giver and receiver compared to instrumental support that requires ongoing labor, especially when the support isn’t mutually negotiated.

Here, the OP’s support was offered freely and intermittently, driving help, errands, companionship, not as a contractual caregiving role.

Being asked to postpone a meaningful, planned trip and take on long-term childcare she didn’t agree to crosses from supportive to obligatory, which research shows is where resentments and emotional backlash often occur.

The OP is not obligated to cancel her trip or take on parenting roles she never consented to. Kindness doesn’t equate to unlimited availability.

Next time, a clear statement like “I’m glad to help within X limits, but I won’t be available for Y” could prevent future expectation escalation.

If the OP still wants to help after her trip, specifying what is feasible (e.g., occasional check-ins, a baby gift, connecting her with resources) may soften relational tensions without taking over the acquaintance’s life.

This situation isn’t about choosing a wedding trip over a newborn; it’s about the moment a supportive friendship became an assumed duty.

Pregnancy can heighten emotional needs and stress, but expecting someone to step in as a de facto caregiver or constant presence without consent turns friendship support into obligation.

The OP acted within her boundaries, and while her friend may feel hurt, that pain stems from unmet expectations, not betrayal.

Healthy social support is voluntary, negotiated, and respectful of everyone’s autonomy, and that’s a distinction supported by research on social support dynamics.

See what others had to share with OP:

This group went straight for the core issue: control. They described the acquaintance as possessive, paranoid, and increasingly demanding, pointing to behaviors like trash-talking OP’s friends, expecting free childcare, and reacting explosively to independent plans.

These commenters focused on boundaries and responsibility. Their shared stance was that kindness does not equal obligation.

This cluster zeroed in on urgency. They warned that without immediate, firm limits, OP risked being slowly absorbed into a role she never agreed to.

These commenters used blunt humor to underline how unreasonable the expectations were.

What began as kindness slowly blurred into obligation, and this Redditor found herself cast in a role she never agreed to play.

Was this compassion stretched too far, or a necessary wake-up call? How would you reclaim boundaries without guilt? Share your take.