There’s no guidebook for how to grieve, especially when life keeps moving around you. Just three weeks after losing her baby, a young woman found herself expected to join her family’s Thanksgiving celebration, one that now revolved around her sister’s newborn.
Still deep in mourning and trying to hold herself together, she said no, fearing that the sight of a baby would break her completely. Her family, however, didn’t take it well.
Accused of being unsupportive, she’s now questioning whether protecting her own heart means she’s failing those she loves.
Here’s where compassion meets reality: three weeks after a full-term stillbirth, the Redditor is being urged to attend Thanksgiving and meet a newborn niece, an ask that reads like support to the family and like an ambush to a grieving parent.
The poster’s problem sits at the fault line between private trauma and public ritual, her relatives want togetherness and “normalcy,” while she needs distance from acute triggers, crying, baby talk, congratulations, that can retraumatize in seconds.
Motivation on their side looks like yearning to stitch the family narrative back together; motivation on hers looks like basic nervous-system protection.
Clinically, her stance is sound, bereavement after stillbirth is profound and comparable to other major losses, with avoidance of infant reminders common in the early months and linked to short-term stabilization rather than “selfishness.”
Socially, people underestimate how common and devastating stillbirth is, about 21,000 babies annually in the U.S., roughly 1 in 175 births, so families often minimize or rush grief in the name of holidays and harmony. (CDC)
Authoritative guidance stresses pacing, ACOG’s patient FAQ states grief after stillbirth is normal and parents should mourn for as long as they need, while Tommy’s advises declining events that feel overwhelming, including baby-centered gatherings.
As bereavement care research reiterates, individualized, trauma-informed support, not timetable pressure, is what prevents longer-term complications.
As an anchor, consider this brief expert line from ACOG, grief is “normal” and parents should “mourn…as long as [they] need to,” which directly validates the poster’s current boundary. Relevance here is obvious: a holiday deadline cannot override a medical-grade loss.
Neutral advice in one breath: she can thank her family for the invitation, affirm love for the new baby, and state that attending this Thanksgiving would likely produce a public breakdown she does not want.
She can propose a quiet visit on her timeline, keep therapy appointments, and ask relatives to channel support into practical help (meals, errands, rides) rather than attendance demands, with a promise to revisit plans after her post-holiday OBGYN review.
See what others had to share with OP:
These commenters comforted OP and validated her boundaries.
Others encouraged OP to communicate her needs firmly but kindly.
Many shared deeply personal experiences to reassure OP she wasn’t alone.
Several users reminded OP that self-care is an act of love, not selfishness.
Grief has no timetable, and forcing someone to pretend they’re okay only deepens the wound.
The OP’s heartbreak is still raw, and skipping Thanksgiving wasn’t about rejecting family, it was about protecting herself from reliving an unimaginable loss.
What do you think,was she right to step back for her own healing, or should family obligations still outweigh personal grief during the holidays?
