Parents Call Teen “Self-Centered” After She Asks For A Birthday Without Her Late Twin

Families often create rituals to cope with grief, especially after losing someone fragile and irreplaceable. Those traditions can feel comforting for adults who need a way to honor the loved one they lost.

This situation unfolds around a teen whose birthday has always carried emotional weight shaped long before she was old enough to understand it. As she gets older, she starts noticing how the celebration feels less like her day.

When she finally spoke up, the response from her parents left her shaken.

It’s understandable that what began as a gentle remembrance has become for OP a birthday overshadowed by a weight she didn’t choose.

Her request to have “17 candles for her alone” is simply a plea to be seen as exactly that, her-own self, not half of a shared memory she never asked for. Yet the parents view it as erasing the memory of the twin they lost, and so the conflict escalates.

When one twin dies, even shortly after birth, the surviving twin may carry more than just survivor’s relief.

Epidemiological research from Sweden found that surviving twins whose co-twin died had a higher risk (HR ≈ 1.65) of being diagnosed with psychiatric disorders compared to non-bereaved twins.

That suggests the loss leaves a mark on the survivor’s emotional or identity development, even when memory of the co-twin may be minimal. Qualitative studies describe surviving twins feeling a “loss of identity” because their twin relationship was part of how they defined themselves.

In OP’s case, the ongoing ritual of sharing a birthday, and visualised annually through extra candles, may reinforce that shared identity rather than allow her individual identity to grow.

Meanwhile, the parents’ insistence possibly reflects their own unresolved grief, wherein the surviving sibling becomes a living tribute rather than a separate person.

A study of fetal-loss in twin pregnancies noted that surviving twins can become the focus of parents’ grief and hope, complicating the surviving child’s sense of self.

The family could recognise this isn’t about “forgetting” the deceased twin, but about allowing the surviving child to claim her own milestone.

A conversation facilitated with empathy, OP expresses how she feels overshadowed, the parents share their fears of forgetting.

Agree together on a new ritual, perhaps dedicating a quiet moment to remembrance separate from the birthday candles, and allow the actual birthday cake and celebration to centre only on OP.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

These Redditors said OP’s parents clearly need grief counseling and should not be using her birthday as their annual mourning ritual.

This cluster didn’t hold back, they felt OP’s parents were prioritizing their grief over their daughter’s entire existence.

These Redditors shared their own experiences to show how damaging it is when family grief overshadows a child’s milestones.

This group wrapped OP in warmth, reminding her that none of this is her fault.

This story hits a tender place where grief and growing up collide, and the OP is stuck carrying the emotional weight of a loss she never truly experienced. Wanting her own birthday isn’t selfish.

It’s a sign she’s finally stepping into her own identity instead of standing in a memorial spotlight she never chose. But family wounds can run deep, and her parents clearly haven’t healed the way they think they have.

Do you think she was right to draw a line, or should she have kept the tradition for her parents’ sake? Share your thoughts below.