Forgiveness can be complicated when someone has caused years of pain but continues to struggle with addiction. It’s possible to recognize that alcohol dependence is a serious condition while still holding someone accountable for the harm they’ve caused.
For adult children of parents with drinking problems, those conflicting feelings can create an exhausting emotional struggle. They may want to protect themselves from further disappointment while simultaneously wishing for a future where their parent finally gets better.
One Redditor recently opened up about that difficult balance after asking their father whether he would ever consider sobriety. The 25-year-old OP described a complicated family history involving alcohol misuse, verbal insults, and physical aggression toward their mother.
Although they learned more about their father’s past as they grew older, they have never completely abandoned hope that he might change. Now, with their father showing signs of memory difficulties, that hope has become increasingly urgent. Read on to discover why the OP wonders whether continuing to encourage him is an act of love or an emotionally draining pursuit.
A 25-year-old struggles with whether to keep hoping her alcoholic father will finally choose sobriety
Sometimes, the hardest part of loving someone with an addiction is holding on to hope while preparing for another disappointment. Children who grow up around a parent’s drinking often carry two versions of that person in their hearts: the parent they remember and the person they desperately wish they could become.
For one 25-year-old, asking her father to consider sobriety has reopened years of pain, fear, and an almost childlike longing for a different future.
Her 61-year-old father has struggled with alcohol for as long as she can remember. His drinking existed alongside a history of verbal aggression and physical mistreatment toward her mother.
Despite everything, she still visits him and hopes he might eventually choose recovery. His increasing forgetfulness has made that hope more urgent. She worries that waiting too long could leave him unable to care for himself.
Interestingly, her desire for his sobriety may involve more than concern about his health. She seems to be imagining an opportunity to finally experience the father-daughter relationship she missed growing up. When she says she could forgive everything if he stopped drinking, it suggests that recovery represents emotional restoration as much as medical improvement.
Yet another perspective deserves attention: her father may be struggling with a longstanding dependence that cannot be overcome through love or persuasion alone. Recognizing addiction as a health condition, however, doesn’t erase responsibility for abusive behavior.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) explains that alcohol use disorder is a treatable medical condition, although recovery often requires professional treatment, sustained effort, and repeated attempts. Its guidance emphasizes that family encouragement can support recovery, but the individual remains responsible for managing the condition.
Loved ones are also encouraged to seek support for their own emotional well-being rather than making their lives revolve entirely around another person’s drinking. This distinction matters because caring deeply about someone’s recovery doesn’t give relatives control over whether that person accepts help.
This insight explains why the daughter’s repeated requests leave her feeling like a little child again. Every conversation may revive the familiar hope that her father will finally choose a different life. His reluctance can then feel like another personal rejection, even though his drinking isn’t something she can resolve for him.
A realistic approach would involve encouraging a medical assessment for his memory problems, offering information about treatment, and seeking individual counseling or family support groups. She can also establish boundaries around visits, particularly if his behavior becomes unsafe.
Most importantly, she doesn’t have to promise forgiveness as the price of supporting his recovery.
Perhaps the most difficult lesson is that someone can love a parent, hope for their sobriety, and still refuse to spend their entire adulthood waiting for them to change.
When an addicted parent has caused years of pain, should adult children keep hoping for reconciliation, or can emotional distance sometimes be the healthier expression of self-preservation?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
These Redditors praised OP for bravely confronting her father from a place of love
These users stressed that her father will only stop drinking when he personally decides to change
This commenter recommended Al-Anon as support for relatives of people struggling with alcohol
This user shared that quitting for their children was difficult but ultimately deeply rewarding
These commenters used humor to highlight the father’s fixation on alcohol and money
Would you keep encouraging a parent to seek sobriety after decades of drinking, or would you focus on finding peace regardless of their decision?
