Husband Refuses Intimacy, So His Wife Secretly Saves Money For Her Exit Plan

After ten years together, one woman realized her marriage was less of a partnership and more of a co-existence. Her husband, who struggles with intimacy and emotional issues, has left her feeling disconnected and unloved for five years.

While he attends therapy, she is preparing for the worst.

She has been secretly saving her “fun money” into a personal account, which now rivals their joint savings. When she confessed her exit strategy to a friend, she was accused of being disloyal and cruel for having “one foot out the door.”

Now, read the full story:

The friend’s accusation that the OP is being “disloyal” fundamentally misunderstands the situation. The OP is not actively sabotaging the marriage; she is practicing self-preservation in the face of a failing partnership.

The marriage has been functionally dead for five years due to a major incompatibility (lack of intimacy) and a lack of emotional connection (he won’t open up). The OP is giving her husband time to address his issues in therapy, but she is not obligated to put her life on hold indefinitely.

Her secret savings account is not an act of betrayal; it is an act of empowerment, ensuring she never feels financially trapped, a fear rooted in her childhood experience with abusive relationships.

Financial Independence as Self-Preservation

The OP’s approach to finances, separate checking accounts and equal contributions, already established a strong sense of financial independence. Her decision to save her personal “fun money” is simply an extension of that independence.

This strategy is known as “nest-egg saving” and is highly recommended by financial experts, especially for women. A 2023 survey by Forbes Advisor indicated that women are often more vulnerable financially post-divorce, making personal savings a critical safety net.

The OP’s fear of being trapped is valid. As licensed clinical social worker Liana Lianov explained in Psychology Today, “For individuals who grew up in unstable or abusive homes, financial independence is often the most important tool for establishing personal safety and autonomy in adulthood.” 

The husband’s behavior, refusing to discuss emotional issues and dismissing her needs by saying, “It sounded like my problem not his,” is emotionally neglectful. He is asking her to stay while offering no effort to improve the relationship. The OP is not being disloyal; she is protecting herself from a partner who has already emotionally checked out.

Check out how the community responded:

The majority of comments ruled NTA/NAH, arguing that saving money is smart and the OP is not obligated to stay in a dead marriage.

Many Redditors focused on the massive incompatibility and the husband’s lack of effort, urging the OP to leave.

A few commenters pointed out the legal reality that the secret savings might not be protected in a divorce.

The most compassionate advice was for the OP to stop lying to herself and recognize the marriage is over.

The OP is not being disloyal by saving money; she is being realistic about the state of her marriage. She is giving her husband a chance to change, but she is not sacrificing her own future safety for his comfort. Her secret account is a necessary lifeline.

What do you think? Should she tell her husband about the savings now, or wait until she is ready to file for divorce?