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Boss Gives Employee An Ultimatum After She Misses Work For Mental Health, Now She’s Calling Him ‘Discriminatory’

by Layla Bui
November 26, 2025
in Social Issues

As a small business owner, you put a lot of trust in your employees to keep things running smoothly. But what happens when that trust is broken, especially when your business depends on everyone pulling their weight?

One vape shop owner had to make a tough decision after his newly promoted manager, Peggy, failed to show up for her shift without notice, leaving the store closed for hours and customers frustrated.

When Peggy finally called to explain her absence, her response left the owner questioning her ability to handle the responsibilities of her position.

In response, he offered her an ultimatum: either return to her old role or face termination. But now, Peggy is accusing him of being discriminatory, calling his actions unfair. Was the business owner right to give her this choice, or did he go too far? Keep reading to find out how this situation plays out.

A business owner offers an employee a choice between demotion or termination after a no-show

Boss Gives Employee An Ultimatum After She Misses Work For Mental Health, Now She’s Calling Him ‘Discriminatory’
not the actual photo

'AITA for telling an employee she can choose between demotion or termination?'

I own a vape shop. We're a small business, only 12 employees.

One of my employees, Peggy, was supposed to open yesterday.

Peggy has recently been promoted to Manager, after 2 solid years of good work as a cashier.

I really thought she could handle the responsibility.

So, I wake up, 3 hours after the place should be open, and I have 22 notifications on the store Facebook page.

Customers have been trying to come shop, but the store is closed.

Employees are showing up to work, but they're locked out.

I call Peggy, and get no response. I text her, same thing. So I go in and open the store.

An hour before her shift was supposed to be over, she calls me back.

 

I ask her if she's ok, and she says she needed to "take a mental health day and do some self-care".

I'm still pretty pissed at this point, but I'm trying to be understanding, as I know how important mental health can be.

So I ask her why she didn't call me as soon as she knew she needed the day off.

Her response: "I didn't have enough spoons in my drawer for that." Frankly, IDK what that means.

But it seems to me like she's saying she cannot be trusted to handle the responsibility of opening the store in the AM.

So I told her that she had two choices: 1) Go back to her old position, with her old pay. 2) I fire her completely.

She's calling me all sorts of "-ist" now,

and says I'm discriminating against her due to her poor mental health and her gender.

None of this would have been a problem if she simply took 2 minutes to call out.

I would have got up and opened the store on time.

But this no-call/no-show s__t is not the way to run a successful business.

I think I might be the AH here, because I am taking away her promotion over something she really had no control over.

But at the same time, she really could have called me. So, reddit, I leave it to you: Am I the a__hole?

EDIT: I came back from making a sandwich and had 41 messages.

I can't say I'm going to respond to every one of yall individually, but I am reading all of the comments.

Anyone who asks a question I haven't already answered will get a response.

UPDATE: Peggy reached out to me yesterday, apologized, and asked if we could meet for lunch.

We met up, and the first thing she did was apologize again.

For the no call/no show, and also for her reaction to my response.

She admitted that she knows I'm not sexist, or "ableist" (IDK if I spelled that right, there's a red line under it),

and explained that she was lashing out due to her mental state.

I accepted her apology, and offered one of my own.

Both for giving her too much responsibility too quickly, and also for reacting out of emotion.

She explained to me that she had a major issue on Monday,

and without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it was the anniversary of a bad thing.

She's taking all of her accumulated PTO (~9 weeks), and we've agreed that going forward,

I'm not going to put her on the schedule on that day ever again.

She's admitted that she's not up to the role of manager.

When she returns, she will be in the role of lead cashier, a role I created specifically for her.

This way she can keep her raise, and not feel like she got a "demotion", but rather a lateral transfer.

I've also let her know that if she ever feels like she's up to more responsibility,

she can let me know, and I'll put her right back on track for the manager spot.

I've also let her know that if she's ever in a position where she's not able to call out,

she can simply text me a thumbs down emoji, and I will accept that as notice

that she will be missing her next shift. She's agreed that that will be ok, even when she's "out of spoons".

I appreciate all of the ~6000 comments my post got, even the ones calling me TA.

Thank you all very much. I want to specifically address the folks who explained "spoon theory" to me,

as well as those who commented about "peter principle",

those two types of comments very heavily influenced my actions.

I was able to better understand both her issue, and my own failures as a leader because of those comments.

Hopefully, we can both move forward from this unfortunate incident and end up better for it.

TL;DR: Things turned out well for everyone involved.

Business owners often rely on a few people if someone fails to show up without warning, the ripple effects hit everyone.

For the OP, giving the employee a promotion meant trust. When that trust was broken by a no‑call/no‑show, it wasn’t just a minor slip, the store was locked, customers were disappointed, and other staff were inconvenienced.

At the same time, mental health and energy capacity matter. The employee used a phrase that many people use to describe mental exhaustion, “I didn’t have enough spoons in my drawer”, referencing Spoon Theory, a metaphor used by people with chronic illness or mental health struggles to express limited daily energy.

What makes this tricky is that workplaces are increasingly expected to recognise and respect mental‑health issues.

Studies show significant numbers of workers report burnout or mental‑health pressures, and many feel employers should provide better support or understanding.

From a management‑theory perspective, leaders who show empathy and understanding, while still maintaining clear expectations, may foster loyalty, reduce turnover, and promote a healthier workplace culture.

On one hand, the OP is justified in needing reliability. For a small business, an unexplained absence at opening time isn’t a small slip; it impacts customers, revenue, and staff morale.

On the other hand, the employee’s no‑show may reflect real mental‑health strain. If that’s the case, a purely punitive response (demote or fire) risks ignoring the underlying issue.

The more “future‑oriented” approach might have been to ask for a calm conversation.

Discuss what led to the breakdown (stress, burnout, lack of support), evaluate whether the “manager” role still makes sense, and maybe offer options, maybe a lower‑stress role, a different schedule, or mental‑health support, instead of an ultimatum. That better honors both business needs and human complexity.

Ultimately, The OP’s frustration is understandable. Their need for dependability is valid. But before jumping to “demote or fire,” integrating empathy and offering support can protect both the business and the employee’s well‑being.

Check out how the community responded:

These users agree that the OP is justified in addressing the no-call, no-show situation

iolaus79 − NTA You aren't taking it away because of her gender or poor mental health.

You are reacting to her not following the sickness policy of contacting you before her shift TBH,

not showing up or contacting anyone I wouldn't have been giving her the choice

(however check that legally you are ok with that)

Salt-Superior − The "spoons" thing is referring to Spoon Theory.

A psychological theory regarding the amount of energy it takes someone to perform a task.

In this example, a "normal" person might need 1 spoon yo call out, but someone with mental/chronic illness might need 4.

Essentially a way of explaining that it can be harder to do things when you have mental illnesses, in a quantifiable way.

That being said, as a neurodivergent person, it is complete and utter b__lshit that she didn't make herself call you.

It isn't just her shirking a responsibility. It is her making a decision that affects your livelihood

and the livelihood of 12 other people.

Not to mention the way she effected the customers, cause how many more tried to come

to the store and didn't say anything on the FB? If she didn't have enough spoons to work, fine.

But if she can't be trusted to uphold her managerial duties,

mental health or otherwise, she doesn't deserve that responsibility.

She doesn't deserve the raise and title that go with it. NTA

EDIT: there have been a lot of comments saying the the Spoon Theory was actually initially in reference to chronic illness.

I've only ever seen it in reference to neurodivergence, so I apologize for being incorrect there.

Mulberry-Longjumping − NTA. I'm a manager as well and fully believe in the importance of mental health days

and taking care of your mental wellbeing as much as your physical wellbeing.

However, an employee just going AWOL like that is not ok.

If they didn't have the spoons to call, they should have gotten a trusted friend or family member to call instead.

Or texted and thrown their phone across the room. I would happily make a last minute callout work.

Damaging the business by no-showing is not ok but I'd have a serious talk with her about responsibilities

and be frank about your expectations. It's the same as someone calling out

half an hour before opening because they've gotten sudden onset diarrhoea.

Just call or text or tell someone you can't make it.

Basically, don't demote or fire her but put her on a type of probation and make it explicitly clear that

you value her wellbeing but she can't no show.

JadedSlayer − I think I might be the AH here, because I am taking away her promotion

over something she really had no control over.

Actually taking a mental health day was not the problem, the problem is she preformed a NO CALL NO SHOW.

What has made her NO CALL NO SHOW more egregious is that she was the opening manager.

When you are the person responsible for opening a place of business,

you are even more of an A H for not calling in. NTA

This group emphasizes that the employee should have contacted the OP if she was unable to work, regardless of mental health issues

oopsthoughtoutloud − NTA. you don’t have enough spoons in your drawer to deal with incompetent managers.

bobert13581 − Major red flag when she throws the -ists, discrimination and gender cards.

Toxic people like that are better not in the workplace, let alone management. NTA

TheCockatoo − She's calling me all sorts of "-ist" now, and says I'm discriminating against her

due to her poor mental health and her gender. Haha, that's so textbook.

I am taking away her promotion over something she really had no control over.

She really had no control over picking up the phone or messaging you?

In no universe could you remotely be considered an a**hole.

She's the burning AH for playing the overplayed gender card instead of taking responsibility. NTA.

By the way, I hope you have retracted the (already generous) choice of "get demoted or get fired" and simply went with the latter.

idontwanttoadult2 − NTA. It's not acceptable to just not show up for work

without calling your boss and letting them know. She's lucky you're even letting her keep her job.

 

OkTomorrow9194 − Personally, I would not have given her the option of her old job back.

I would have politely fired her over the telephone and been done with her.

Inevitable-Mastodon1 − NTA She had absolute control over calling in to tell you she couldn’t do her work.

Not only is that expected, it’s simply polite.

You would not be able to run a business if your employees randomly don’t turn up without notice.

She is absolutely taking you for a ride here.

These commenters explain the concept of “spoons” in relation to mental health

Seliphra − NTA She absolutely could have called you, takes like two minutes,

and saying she can either return to her old position or be fired is a totally fair thing.

Needing a mental health day is all well and good, but this was just irresponsible

as she didn't even get back to you until after her shift was over.

An explanation of 'spoons' though: It's a disability and mental health thing

that the community uses to explain energy and how much energy a given task might take or give us.

For example if we wake up we might have 'ten spoons'.

Eating something gives us two spoons, taking a shower costs one spoon, cooking a full meal takes 3 spoons,

getting dressed takes one spoon, so on and so forth.

Different days start with different numbers of 'spoons' in your proverbial drawer,

and different tasks can have different 'spoon' costs depending on numerous factors.

Still not an excuse when calling or texting you would have taken almost no effort,

and is important enough that she should have been willing to go into 'negative' spoons in order to do it.

scr33nplaythrowaway − NTA, she got promoted to a bigger job, meaning she has bigger responsibilities,

meaning she has to notify you if she can’t make a shift since her presence will change

whether the store makes income or not. If she was a good employee beforehand,

maybe the responsibilities she had beforehand were a better fit for her mental health.

Or, maybe she just needs some time away.

Also I’m sorry, I have no idea what the f__k “I didn’t have enough spoons in my drawer” means either.

If someone knows the expression, do let me know.

Tired3520 − Does she have any chronic illnesses? The spoons comment makes me wonder if she does,

or if she’s just heard it before and using it incorrectly?

Put simply, when you have certain chronic illnesses (think ME, MS, etc etc)

you use “spoons” (invisible) for each task. Eating breakfast may take 1 spoon (think of it like a measure of energy).

Taking a shower may take up 2 spoons. Exercising may use up a lot of spoons.

You get a certain amount of spoons each day.

When you are running out of spoons, you have to pace yourself - rest and recover.

If you don’t take this time, you will likely crash and make yourself quite ill. I have 3 chronic illnesses.

Making a phone call or sending a quick text should not use up any spoons unless you are so ill

that you are bedbound and require carers. NTA

asianinindia − You are NTA. I've been depressed and suffering from PTSD and Anxiety disorder for years now.

I've always remembered to call if I can't make it. So have the people in my support community.

Honestly it sounds like she's trying to make you the bad guy after having accidentally slept in or whatever.

Unless she has shown issues before and been responsible about the same before it seems like b__lshit.

She can ist you all she likes but your business cannot depend on what an employee feels like or doesn't feel like doing.

If you were sexist you wouldn't have promoted her in the first place.

Doesn't even sound like she bloody apologised for shirking her responsibilities. You are totally NTA.

Was the OP justified in offering Peggy an ultimatum, or should they have been more understanding? How would you handle this situation if you were in the OP’s position?

Layla Bui

Layla Bui

Hi, I’m Layla Bui. I’m a lifestyle and culture writer for Daily Highlight. Living in Los Angeles gives me endless energy and stories to share. I believe words have the power to question the world around us. Through my writing, I explore themes of wellness, belonging, and social pressure, the quiet struggles that shape so many of our lives.

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