The holidays are a time for family, but sometimes, what should be a joyous occasion can stir up emotions and create rifts. This woman never expected her first holiday season with her newborn would turn into a battle over who gets to be included in the family celebrations.
Her mother-in-law, trying to accommodate her sister-in-law’s painful struggles with infertility, suggests leaving her own baby out of the holiday festivities.
The request is a shocking blow to OP, who has already lost her own mother and is desperate for her daughter to connect with her new extended family. Find out how she and her husband handle this emotional dilemma and whether they can find common ground with the rest of the family.
A woman is hurt and disappointed after her mother-in-law suggests excluding her and her newborn from family holidays to protect her sister-in-law
In this situation, the original poster (OP) has a deeply valid emotional reaction. The suggestion from her mother‑in‑law (MIL) that OP and her newborn daughter should stay home for Thanksgiving and Christmas so everyone could “protect” her sister‑in‑law’s feelings, wasn’t just an awkward ask, it touched a core need for inclusion and connection.
OP has already experienced profound loss with the death of her own mother, and now she was looking forward to celebrating major milestones with her husband’s family.
Being asked to explicitly exclude her infant daughter from holiday gatherings goes beyond compassion for another family member’s pain, it communicates, intentionally or not, that OP’s child belongs second.
Why the Hurt Makes Sense
People consistently show that family inclusion matters deeply for emotional well‑being, especially around life transitions and celebrations. Holiday gatherings and first birthdays or first holidays are emotionally significant events where people expect to be welcomed and emotionally supported.
Research on family psychology highlights that emotional expectations and interpretations around inclusion or exclusion can be powerful sources of conflict, especially when individuals interpret an action as a rejection rather than an accommodation.
Psychological guidance on boundaries also emphasizes that asserting your family’s needs isn’t inherently selfish, it’s part of communicating what feels safe, respectful, and right for you and your child.
Boundaries aren’t about rejecting others; they’re about communicated limits that protect a person’s emotional welfare. When family members push back or react strongly, it doesn’t automatically mean the boundary is unjust, it often reflects territorial discomfort with change or different emotional needs.
MIL’s Intent vs. Emotional Impact
Your MIL’s reasoning, wanting to “protect” Ashley, comes from a place of empathy for her daughter’s loss. It’s understandable that she doesn’t want her daughter to hurt. But empathy for one person doesn’t require excluding another from their milestones.
The ask effectively said, “Your child is less important than her feelings this holiday.” For many people, especially parents, that is hurtful and confusing.
Psychologists note that the holidays are a time when both belonging and boundary issues become especially salient because expectations for togetherness, tradition, and connection are so high. If someone’s request directly conflicts with another person’s emotional needs, the result is emotional hurt and increased stress, normal human reactions.
Balancing Boundaries and Relationships
Experts strongly recommend clear communication and defined boundaries, especially during emotionally charged periods like the holidays, rather than passive acceptance of guilt or pressure. The process of setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person; it means you’re being honest about what you need and what will make the situation workable for everyone.
It’s also important to recognize that when boundaries are set (e.g. “we will come to family gatherings, but we will participate as a family”), people may react with hurt, defensiveness, or disappointment.
That reaction doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong, it simply reflects that others have different expectations. You can acknowledge someone’s feelings without giving up your own needs.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
These commenters supported the OP’s decision, emphasizing that the MIL and SIL are overstepping boundaries
This group backed the OP’s decision to protect their own family and avoid emotionally manipulative situations
These Redditors highlighted the selfishness of the MIL and SIL
This group encouraged the OP to create a memorable holiday with their own family
These commenters reflected on the unfairness of the situation
Do you think the MIL was wrong to suggest excluding the baby, or should the new mom have been more understanding of Ashley’s feelings? Share your thoughts below!
