Can months of therapy erase years of abuse? That’s the painful question a mother of two is facing after her ex-husband, once controlling and violent, finished anger management therapy and demanded unsupervised visits with their children.
On Reddit’s AITA forum, she shared how her daughter still wakes from nightmares and her son cowers at loud noises. While her ex insists he’s reformed and brandishes a therapist’s letter as proof, she refuses to risk her children’s safety. The response? A storm of criticism from his family and a wave of support from strangers online.
One mom, scarred by years of her ex-husband’s abuse, stands firm against his push for unsupervised visits with their traumatized kids post-therapy
OP later edited the post:
Experts emphasize that anger management and abuse intervention are not the same thing. As Redditor Few_Improvement_6357 pointed out, abusers often aren’t “out of control”, they’re exerting control. Batterer Intervention Programs, which target entitlement and manipulation, are often considered more effective than generic anger management.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, survivors and children can experience long-term impacts such as PTSD, anxiety, and difficulty trusting caregivers. For children, exposure to abuse, even indirectly, can rewire how they respond to conflict and authority figures.
Psychologist Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, explains: “Abuse is not caused by anger. Abusers are not out of control. They are making choices to control their partners.”
This is critical context: an abuser who finishes anger management hasn’t necessarily addressed entitlement, manipulation, or coercion.
Legally, supervised visitation orders exist precisely because courts recognize the risk. The U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice reports that nearly 60% of supervised visitation cases involve domestic violence backgrounds. The point isn’t to punish parents, it’s to safeguard kids.
For this mom, the safest move is to stick with the court order and let professionals determine readiness for change. If her ex genuinely wants to rebuild trust, it’s not about demanding a letter of support from her. It’s about demonstrating consistent, non-coercive behavior over time.
See what others had to share with OP:
These Reddit users argued anger management isn’t enough; true change requires confronting abusive patterns, not just temper.
Some pointed out his ongoing manipulation
This group stressed that the kids’ safety trumps his pride, and courts, not personal persuasion, should handle custody adjustments
This user roasted critics, asking where they were during the years of abuse and suggesting they sponsor the kids’ therapy if they care so much about giving dad another chance
Can people change? Maybe. But change isn’t proven by certificates or therapist letters, it’s shown through long-term, consistent respect for boundaries and genuine accountability. This mom has chosen to prioritize her children’s healing over her ex’s demands, and Reddit says she’s right.
As one commenter put it: “You’re not punishing him. He punished himself the day he chose to abuse you and his children.”
So, what do you think? Should she risk giving him another chance, or is she right to hold the line until her kids feel safe again?
