Brother-in-Law Tries to Bully Man Into Lying About Foster Care. He Refused.

Sometimes, people ask for your opinion when what they really want is your permission. They want you to validate a choice they’ve already made, even if it’s a risky one. That’s the incredibly tense situation one man found himself in when his sister-in-law (SIL) and her husband asked for his perspective on becoming foster parents.

His SIL knew his childhood was complicated by his own parents’ decision to foster. She wanted the real story. Her husband, however, pulled the man aside beforehand with a chilling request: to “sugarcoat” the details. What followed was a raw, honest conversation that exposed not just the hidden heartbreaks of fostering, but the massive red flags in his SIL’s marriage.

Here is the story he shared:

Just reading this makes my stomach tighten. You can feel the weight of this man’s past, can’t you? His and his sister’s needs weren’t just overlooked, they were systematically ignored. The learning disabilities, the asthma, the constant feeling of being a nuisance in their own home… it’s a quiet kind of tragedy that doesn’t scream, but whispers its way into every corner of your life until your relationship with your own parents is gone.

He wasn’t asked to share a fun anecdote. He was asked to share his life’s story, his trauma, so that his SIL could protect her own kids from the same fate. And her husband wanted him to lie about it. That’s not just a small request. It’s a deeply manipulative act that shows a shocking lack of empathy for everyone involved, including the kids he claims he wants to help.

When Helping Others Hurts Your Own

The brother-in-law’s reaction is a massive, blaring siren. His desire to foster seems less about providing a stable home for children in need and more about fulfilling a personal “savior” fantasy, no matter the cost to his own family. He didn’t want information. He wanted confirmation.

Fostering is a monumental commitment, and when biological children are in the home, it adds another incredibly complex layer.

The experience of the OP and his sister is sadly not an anomaly. A study published in the Child & Family Social Work journal found that while many biological children have positive experiences with fostering, a significant portion also report feelings of loss, jealousy, and being forced to take on adult roles too early. The needs of the biological children can easily get lost in the chaos.

This is something that responsible foster agencies stress. Child welfare expert Dr. John DeGarmo emphasizes that ongoing support and open communication with biological children are critical for a successful foster environment. He says, “It is a major life-changing event, for all members of the household.”

The brother-in-law’s attempt to suppress the negative aspects of that “life-changing event” suggests he is not prepared to handle the reality. He just wants the credit for it.

Here’s what the community had to say.

The internet came out in overwhelming force to support the OP, praising his honesty and pointing out the husband’s sketchy behavior.

Many users zoomed in on the husband’s disturbing motives, suggesting coercion and a possible “savior complex.”

And some shared their own experiences, validating the OP’s story.

How to Have These Hard Conversations

This is such a tricky situation, but it highlights how vital it is to have these difficult family discussions. If you’re considering a huge life change like fostering, it is absolutely essential that both partners are 100% on board.

First, acknowledge that it’s okay for one partner to have reservations. Those fears aren’t obstacles; they’re guideposts showing you what you need to research and plan for. Your SIL’s instinct to seek out the hard truth was the smartest, most responsible thing she could do for her family.

Second, listen to lived experiences. Don’t just talk to the agencies and the people who have had wonderful, seamless experiences. Seek out the messy stories, like the OP’s. The truth is usually found somewhere in the middle. His story wasn’t meant to scare them away from fostering entirely; it was meant to scare them away from doing it badly.

The Real Gift Was His Honesty

Let’s be very clear. The OP didn’t “prey on his SIL’s fears.” He validated them. He gave her the gift of his honesty, a painful gift that he had to carry his entire life, so that she might be able to protect her own kids from that same pain. Her husband’s anger wasn’t about protecting the dream of fostering. It was the anger of a manipulator whose plan to control the narrative had just been blown up by the truth.

What do you think? Was the OP right to be so brutally honest? And what does the husband’s reaction truly reveal about his intentions?