Friendship across differences can be rewarding, but it also comes with challenges, especially when communication is delicate.
For this college freshman, getting to know her Deaf-mute classmate through sign language was a highlight of her semester. She enjoyed their daily conversations and saw it as a chance to connect and grow.
But one poorly timed joke changed the tone of their friendship. Though they’ve since made up, another friend’s harsh accusation that she was “using” him to improve her signing has left her hurt and confused.
Was it an innocent joke gone wrong, or does her friend have a point?
The OP’s situation raises questions about intention, perception, and the dynamics of friendship. On one hand, she met a classmate who is deaf and began conversing in ASL after she disclosed she had some prior training.
From her viewpoint, the relationship developed naturally, she had no prior close friendships in the deaf community, so when she connected with him, she enjoyed the improved signing, shared interest and the closeness.
She posted a joke, “That’s what you’re for!”, which the other interpreted differently.
From his perspective, the joke might have felt like an implication of utility rather than sincerity, and his comment that the OP was “using him for my own benefit” reflects his feeling of being valued for his disability rather than as a person.
When we view this in broader context, there’s substantial literature about friendships between disabled and non-disabled people.
One research article found that “friendships between people with and without disabilities are… founded on equal respect, shared interests and mutuality” rather than on helper/beneficiary dynamics.
Another helpful guide outlines practical steps for being a good friend to a disabled person: “recognize meaningful moments in their journey… avoid framing the relationship as one-sided aid.”
These sources indicate that although friendships across ability differences are absolutely possible and beneficial, they work best when both sides feel valued as equals, not when one person fears they are being used or token-friendly.
A relevant quote from an article in Forbes by Andrew Pulrang: “One of the most critical aspects of friendship with a disabled person is honesty: honest curiosity, honest equality, honest commitment, not charity or performance.”
This quote underscores that the friend with the disability must feel respected, not diminished or instrumentalised. In the OP’s scenario, the joke and the perception of “improved my ASL because of him” risk shifting from shared interest to the appearance of using him as a resource.
The OP should reflect on how her actions and language might be perceived.
It would be beneficial to have an open conversation with her friend, clarify that she values him as a person, not simply as someone with whom she can practice ASL, apologise for unintended harm, and ask how they might build the friendship in a way that feels mutual.
She might ensure activities they do together aren’t always about her improving her skills, and that she shows genuine interest in his life beyond the shared ASL connection.
Ensuring the friendship is balanced, his agency, comfort and boundaries included, will help avoid the “using” impression.
See what others had to share with OP:
These commenters leaned toward YTA, but with compassion.
This group sided with NTA, saying OP made a mistake but handled it with sincerity.
These commenters saw both sides, leaning toward NAH but emphasizing learning moments.
These users dove deeper into the emotional and social context.
Both these comments reminded OP that the term “deaf-mute” is outdated and offensive, recommending she stick with simply “deaf.”
This commenter took a wild card stance, humorously suggesting OP’s hearing friend might just be jealous of her closeness with Nolan.
This story touches on good intentions, miscommunication, and the uncomfortable ways people can misjudge friendships that cross perceived boundaries.
The OP’s joke may have landed poorly, but it came from familiarity, not exploitation. The real ableism here seems to come from the so-called friend who accused her of using him.
Still, it raises a fair question, how do you prove genuine friendship when others assume it’s performative? Was the OP wrong to joke, or right to stand her ground? Share your thoughts below!
