Every parent wants to protect their child from pain, but what happens when that protection looks like defiance? When a father’s ex lied to their autistic daughter about a “work trip,” the fallout was immediate. The girl felt betrayed, shut down emotionally, and decided she didn’t want to return home.
Now, the father has kept her in his care while she grieves and processes what happened. But his ex is furious, threatening legal action, and insists he’s making things worse. Is he doing the right thing by standing by his daughter’s wishes, or is this compassion turning into conflict?
A concerned father wrote to the AITA subreddit after refusing to send his autistic daughter home when she stopped trusting her mother for lying about a trip
In this case, a father shares primary custody of his 12-year-old daughter, Olivia (autism spectrum disorder, level 2). Her mother recently told Olivia a getaway with friends was a “work trip”; when Olivia discovered this lie, she lost trust in her mother, hid away in her room, and requested to stay with her father indefinitely.
He obliged, maintaining custody beyond his usual schedule. His ex now demands that Olivia return home; he believes Olivia should have agency in the decision. Is he wrong?
From one perspective, the father’s decision reflects sensitivity to his daughter’s emotional distress. Research confirms that children exposed to parental deception often experience diminished trust and poorer attachment.
For example, the 2024 review by Setoh et al. shows that “parenting by lying” can erode trust, degrade parent-child relationships and model deception as acceptable behavior.
For a child with autism who frequently relies on predictability, clear communication, and consistent relationships, this disruption can be particularly destabilizing. Consistency in caregiver responses and routines is also identified as a key factor in behavioural and emotional regulation for autistic children. discoveryaba.com
On the other hand, from a legal and co-parenting perspective, the father’s refusal to return Olivia may risk undermining the established custody arrangement and interfering with his ex’s parental rights.
Custodial interference, keeping a child beyond agreed-upon visitation or residency schedules, has legal consequences and may escalate conflict rather than support healing. The mother’s request to re-engage Olivia in therapy and routines suggests a professional recommendation for stability.
Motivations are understandable: the father wishes to protect Olivia’s trust and emotional well-being; the mother may be seeking a reset to routine and therapeutic oversight. The child’s response, crying, fearing further lies, speaks to the fragility of trust once broken.
Advice & Next Steps:
- The parents should engage in mediated discussions (via therapist or co-parenting counsellor) to create a transition plan that respects Olivia’s distress while adhering to legal custody frameworks.
- The mother should acknowledge the misleading statement, apologise to Olivia, clarify its impact and commit to transparent communication, essential to repairing attachment.
- The father should support the transition without forcing immediate return; gradually reintroduce contact under safe, structured conditions.
- All parties should consult Olivia’s therapist about how best to support her emotional regulation now, given her autism and the trust breach.
The father’s protective response is understandable, but ongoing unilateral decisions risk escalating conflict and emotional instability.
A cooperative, structured approach that honours Olivia’s feelings while restoring co-parenting collaboration offers the strongest path to her long-term emotional security.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
These Redditors overwhelmingly called OP the jerk
These commenters stressed that OP hurt his autistic daughter’s emotional growth
These users urged OP to restore routine and teach empathy
Parenting, especially in neurodiverse families, often requires grace over pride. Forgiveness teaches far more than resentment ever will.
So, what do you think? Was the dad standing up for his daughter’s emotional needs, or just turning her pain into a custody battle waiting to happen?
