Family dynamics can become complicated when a sibling’s needs overshadow your own, year after year. For one woman, the emotional neglect she felt throughout her childhood created a distance between her and her family.
When her disabled brother passed away, she was asked to attend the funeral, but could she really show up for a family that never showed up for her? Her parents’ disappointment and her girlfriend’s concern only added to the weight of her decision.
Is skipping the funeral an act of self-preservation, or is it a mistake that could haunt her?
So here’s the story, a woman learns her brother has passed away, someone she never really had a relationship with, yet her parents expect her to drop everything and attend the funeral.
The OP (28F) lives three hours away, her brother (25M) had disabilities and her parents spent her entire life focused on him, missing her milestones. She told them she won’t be making it to the funeral, and now she’s wondering if she’s in the wrong.
From one side, the OP is saying, “I’ve been ignored my whole life. I made the decision to walk away.” On the other side, her parents and partner argue, “This is your brother, you should show up.”
The motivations clash. The OP’s motivations are self‑preservation, longstanding emotional neglect, and wanting to stay away from a painful home dynamic. The parents’ motivations are grief, guilt, tradition, and perhaps a hope for reconciliation or closure.
Stepping back, this taps into the broader issue of funerals in the face of family conflict. Research shows that rather than automatically healing rifts, death and funeral planning often bring long‑standing tensions to the surface.
According to a British grief‑support charity, “Arguments and rifts between family members before and after someone dies can be very difficult to manage.”
Another review found that in end‑of‑life care situations, 57 % of families reported experiencing conflict. That means the OP’s decision to skip the funeral isn’t automatically a moral failure, it could be an acknowledgement of the fact that this family was never aligned.
“Death is blind to discord. Family dynamics and disputes do not abate just because there is a death.” (Miles Funeral Home blog)
In the OP’s case, the strained relationship with her parents, the neglected younger self, and the decision to stay away all underline that this funeral walk‑in isn’t just about closure, it’s about unresolved emotional currency.
The OP might consider offering condolences and a personal tribute in a way she’s comfortable with, sending a letter, participating in a private ritual, or doing something meaningful for her brother’s memory.
She doesn’t necessarily have to attend the funeral if it would reopen old wounds or send her backwards emotionally. She could communicate her reasons in a calm, direct way, that her absence isn’t disrespect, but a boundary she needs given the history.
If possible, she could plan a future low‑key visit when emotions aren’t raw. And she should remember grief, family, duty, they’re tangled and messy. Choosing self‑care does not automatically mean she’s “in the wrong.”
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
These Redditors encouraged OP to attend the funeral, but for her own peace of mind rather than for her parents.
These users firmly backed OP’s decision not to go. They felt that after years of being neglected, OP had every right to prioritize her own well-being.
A more critical group took OP to task, calling her actions immature and cold.
Meanwhile, this group shared deeply reflective perspectives. They focused on the long-term emotional scars that come from growing up overshadowed by a sibling with special needs.
Family ties can be a heavy burden, especially when the weight of years of neglect and emotional abandonment adds up. The OP’s choice to skip her brother’s funeral is a powerful statement about the emotional toll of growing up in a family where her needs were overlooked.
Was this a refusal to participate in a family dynamic that never served her, or an emotional defense that might close a painful chapter for good? Do you think skipping the funeral was justified, or should the OP have taken the step toward closure?
