Family Pressures Woman To Forgive Her Abusive Father, But She’s Not Ready To Let Go Of The Past

At what point does forgiveness become a demand? This Redditor is grappling with that very question after years of estrangement from her abusive father.

Despite his efforts to rebuild his life through therapy, she’s adamant about not reopening old wounds and wants to move on without him.

Her decision to keep her distance is tested when her family convinces her to send a birthday message to her father.

What followed was a clash that left her father in tears and the rest of her relatives furious.

What happened here isn’t unusual in families shaped by deep trauma and fractured histories, and OP’s emotional stand makes sense when placed in context.

The core conflict isn’t simply a “refusal to forgive,” it’s about unresolved harm and how that harm carries forward through adult relationships.

After years of abuse during her formative years, OP chose safety and distance as mechanisms of self‑preservation.

For many survivors of long‑term abuse, estrangement isn’t an emotional whim but a psychological boundary that protects wellbeing.

This dynamic is reflected in research showing that childhood abuse is linked to reduced emotional closeness and higher distress in adult relationships with formerly abusive parents, especially when contact resumes without addressing the underlying trauma.

While a parent’s self‑reported healing matters, it doesn’t automatically translate to emotional safety for the adult child.

Estrangement in adult families is relatively common, with about 1 in 4 parents reporting that their adult children no longer have contact with them, a statistic that underscores how often these painful dynamics emerge.

Some professionals emphasize that reconnection isn’t simply about mending ties; it’s about how it’s done.

Clinical research on reconciliation with destructive parents finds that successful healing often involves psychological differentiation, developing a strong sense of self distinct from the abusive past, and gradual, voluntary forgiveness through structured therapeutic work.

This means that reconciliation isn’t a one‑time phone call or forced celebration, but a carefully negotiated emotional process.

There’s also the concept of traumatic bonding, where intermittent abuse and unpredictable caregiving patterns create attachment that can complicate later decisions about intimacy and distance with the abuser.

A parent’s journey through PTSD treatment or diagnosis, while important for their own recovery, doesn’t automatically rewrite the internal logic of someone who has learned to protect themselves by staying distant.

In this context, the emotional reactions seen, family guilt‑tripping OP, misrepresenting her wishes to him, and then blaming her when emotional repercussions occurred, reflect not a simple family misunderstanding, but competing narratives about healing.

OP’s family sees reconciliation as a marker of healing; OP sees it as a violation of her psychological safety. Both perspectives have emotional validity, but reconciliation isn’t one‑size‑fits‑all.

Open a calm but firm dialogue that centers OP’s needs and boundaries. Reiterate explicitly that she is not rejecting a healed person but preserving her emotional wellbeing by maintaining distance from harm.

Ground that conversation in language about her experience of abuse and healing, not just reactions to emotions or what others want.

Professional support, especially trauma‑informed therapy, can help refine those boundaries and assist OP in navigating family pressure without reliving trauma.

Reinforcing that her choices are valid, even if others disagree, can empower her to move forward without feeling emotionally coerced.

At its core, the story highlights a universal but painful theme: healing from abuse doesn’t obligate the survivor to reconnect, and forgiveness isn’t a contract that erases past harm.

OP’s choice to protect her emotional wellbeing, even if it strains relationships, is a valid and psychologically grounded path toward her own healing.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

These Redditors rallied around the OP, agreeing that the past abuse cannot be erased by a mere apology.

These users agreed that the father’s therapy and improved mental state don’t absolve him of his past actions.

These commenters supported the OP’s boundary-setting, stating that it was cruel for the family to lie to the father and give him false hope.

These users highlighted the pressure the OP is facing from their family, asserting that it’s important to prioritize self-care over appeasing others.

This situation is a reminder of how deeply family trauma can shape our decisions. The OP’s desire to set boundaries, even at the cost of their family’s approval, is understandable, especially given the painful history with their father.

Was the OP right to maintain their distance, or did they go too far in making their feelings known? How would you navigate the fine line between protecting yourself and giving family a chance to heal? Share your thoughts and experiences below!