Sometimes it is not one dramatic moment that causes tension in a family, but a quiet accumulation of disappointments. When those feelings finally surface, they often do so at the most inconvenient times.
After attending her brother’s wedding, the OP walked away with the painful realization that their relationship might not be what she hoped it could become. Feeling misled and emotionally sidelined, she decided to redefine her expectations rather than keep getting hurt.
Now Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and the idea of sitting through a long holiday with him and his new social circle feels overwhelming. She is considering opting out this year or celebrating separately with her parents instead. The question she is asking now is whether protecting her peace makes her unreasonable, or if attending would only make things worse.
A woman considers skipping Thanksgiving after feeling blindsided at her brother’s wedding
There’s a familiar ache many people carry into adulthood: the quiet hope that proximity will finally create closeness. We tell ourselves that moving back home, showing up more often, or trying a little harder will naturally repair emotional distance.
When that hope isn’t met, especially in public moments meant to celebrate family, it can feel less like disappointment and more like rejection.
In this situation, the OP wasn’t just hurt about not being included in a wedding party. They were grieving the realization that the relationship they imagined with their brother didn’t exist in the way they hoped it might.
The shock of discovering the “nonexistent” wedding party in real time compounded that pain, turning a private sadness into a public humiliation.
Add to that the overlooked food allergy and the lack of communication, and the OP’s reaction wasn’t about entitlement; it was about feeling invisible. Emotionally, they were caught between longing for connection and confronting evidence that the connection is one-sided.
A different perspective emerges when we look at how people experience family bonds differently. For the OP, shared history and DNA created an expectation of emotional inclusion. For the brother, closeness seems defined by consistency and shared adulthood rather than family role.
Neither approach is inherently wrong, but the mismatch creates friction. Psychologically, the OP’s choice to opt out of Thanksgiving isn’t about punishment or avoidance; it’s a boundary formed to prevent reopening a wound that hasn’t healed yet. While some see absence as dramatic, others experience it as self-protection when emotions are still raw.
Psychology Today explains that family relationships are especially prone to “attachment asymmetry,” where one person seeks closeness while the other maintains emotional distance without malicious intent.
According to their overview of attachment and family dynamics, unmet expectations in close relationships often lead to feelings of rejection, even when no harm was intended, because humans are wired to seek validation from family first.
When expectations aren’t communicated clearly, or are assumed rather than discussed, the resulting hurt can feel disproportionate but deeply real to the person experiencing it.
This insight helps reframe the OP’s dilemma. The brother may not have intended to exclude or mislead in a way he perceived as meaningful, but intention doesn’t erase impact.
The OP’s discomfort about Thanksgiving isn’t about holding a grudge; it’s about acknowledging that being surrounded by reminders of that hurt, especially while “outnumbered”, could intensify feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Giving space now may actually prevent more lasting damage later.
What matters most here is recognizing that boundaries are not punishments. Choosing to skip one holiday doesn’t mean cutting ties or escalating conflict; it can simply be a way to pause, reflect, and recalibrate expectations. Sometimes, stepping back is how people preserve relationships long-term, not how they destroy them
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
These Redditors agreed skipping Thanksgiving was fine, but said OP expected too much
These commenters felt both OP and her brother handled things poorly
This group backed OP setting boundaries and stepping away while feelings are raw
These Redditors said OP overreacted and expected closeness that never existed
In the end, many readers agreed on one thing: this isn’t really about a holiday meal. It’s about deciding whether showing up while hurting is healthier than stepping back to heal. Some felt skipping Thanksgiving would protect peace; others warned it might cement distance that’s hard to undo.
So what would you do, take space while emotions are fresh, or attend, smile politely, and leave early? When family dynamics feel one-sided, is the absence a boundary or a statement? Share your thoughts below.
