At a chill hangout, the inevitable “But where are you really from?” landed on the 19-year-old who’s heard it since kindergarten. Instead of the usual ethnicity essay, he grinned and answered straight: “Dallas… then the Bay Area.” The girl blinked, the silence stretched, and she ghosted the conversation for the rest of the night.
Turns out she’s autistic, battles brutal social anxiety, and spent the evening spiraling, convinced he now thinks she’s a racist. One playful dodge he thought was harmless left her drowning in shame. Now he’s replaying the moment, wondering if his go-to shield against microaggressions just became the sharpest thing in the room.
19-year-old playful dodge of a loaded ethnicity question backfired when the asker turned out to be autistic and anxious.
Meeting new people is already a social minefield. Throw in race, ethnicity, and differing communication styles and you’ve got yourself a full-blown sitcom episode. And then finding out that new person is autistic. At this point, there is nothing left to say.
On one side, the Redditor’s playful literal answers are a pretty common pushback against the dreaded “where are you really from?” question, a phrase that often carries the unspoken subtext “you don’t look like you fully belong here.”
Research backs this up: a 2022 study published in the Journal of Social Issues found that racial microaggressions like repeated origin questions are linked to higher stress and lower sense of belonging among people of color, even when the asker insists they’re “just curious.”
On the other side, autistic individuals and people with social anxiety can find sarcasm, teasing, or any deviation from literal communication genuinely distressing.
As noted in Autism Parenting Magazine by Stephanie Bethany – an autistic adult herself and a therapy assistant, “Autistic people are more likely to take the spoken words literally rather than being able to determine what the speaker wants to convey.” That distress doesn’t require malicious intent, it just requires a mismatch in communication styles.
So who’s “right”? Both, and neither. The girl’s question carried an unfortunate (and common) racial undertone, whether she realized it or not.
The Redditor’s response, meanwhile, unintentionally hit a neurodivergent sore spot. It’s the perfect storm of two marginalized experiences clashing instead of canceling each other out.
The bigger conversation this sparks? Maybe we all need gentler scripts: “Mind if I ask about your family background?” or “I love learning about people’s heritage, only if you’re comfortable sharing!” Clear intent, enthusiastic consent, zero guessing games.
At the end of the day, a quick “Hey, I was just messing with you – my parents are Haitian and Sri Lankan” after the joke would probably have cleared the air in ten seconds flat. Lesson for everyone: a tiny dash of context can prevent a whole evening of spiraling anxiety.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Some people insist that asking “where are you really from” is inherently racist or xenophobic, regardless of intent.
Some people argue that autism does not excuse racist behavior and she already suspected her question was racist.
Some people say OP is simply answering the literal question truthfully and the discomfort is on the asker.
A harmless prank met an unsuspecting communication difference and somehow everyone ended up feeling a little bruised. So, dear readers: Was the Redditor’s joke fair game when the question itself is loaded nine times out of ten, or should he have clocked the vibe and switched to straightforward mode?
Would a quick clarifying sentence have saved the night? Drop your take: would you have answered literally, spilled the heritage tea right away, or just changed the subject? The comments are open and we’re ready for the debate!
