Infidelity can end one relationship while creating an unexpected connection between the people left behind. Shared pain may bring two strangers together, but that does not always mean acting on those feelings is simple.
One man found himself drawn to the wife of his ex-wife’s affair partner after both marriages fell apart. Their first real connection came through the betrayal they had each endured, but a later coffee meeting revealed that they had more in common than anger and heartbreak.
Now, with his separation still relatively recent and his thoughts increasingly focused on her, he is wondering whether asking her out would be inappropriate or simply an unusual beginning. Scroll down to see why this complicated situation left Reddit divided.
A divorced man considers dating the wife of the man who had an affair with his ex-wife
Sometimes two people meet through circumstances so painful that comfort can feel almost indistinguishable from attraction. The OP and the other woman were both betrayed by the same affair, which gives them an immediate understanding few outsiders could share. His interest may be sincere, but the unusual beginning makes caution more important than shame.
The emotional dynamic involves grief, validation, and sudden closeness. After being deceived by their spouses, both people likely experienced humiliation and damage to their trust. Speaking together may feel comforting because neither has to explain the entire story or defend why it hurt.
She already understands the lies, secrecy, and anger surrounding the affair. The OP also clearly noticed her before their marriages ended, which complicates his certainty that this attraction developed only afterward. His ex-wife’s jealousy may have intensified the moment, but it does not determine whether the current connection is genuine.
A fresh perspective is that asking her out would not automatically be immoral or an act of revenge. They are separated from their former partners, unrelated, and capable of making their own choices.
However, shared betrayal can produce accelerated intimacy. Feeling deeply understood during a crisis may create the impression of compatibility before either person has seen how the other behaves outside the aftermath of infidelity. A relationship built entirely around what their spouses did could weaken once anger fades and ordinary life returns.
Psychologist Randi Gunther explains that infidelity can produce trauma-like reactions, including intrusive thoughts, emotional instability, and repeated searching for information that might restore a sense of safety.
The Gottman Institute similarly describes recovery from an affair as a demanding process involving grief, emotional vulnerability, and gradual rebuilding of trust rather than a quick return to normality.
That insight suggests the attraction should be explored slowly rather than dismissed. Neither person must be perfectly healed before dating, but both should examine what the relationship represents.
Is the OP interested in her character beyond her beauty and their shared experience? Would he still pursue her if their former spouses never learned about it? Can they spend time together without repeatedly discussing the affair? Honest answers would reveal whether this is emerging affection or an emotional refuge from betrayal.
The realistic approach is to invite her to something simple while acknowledging the complicated context. He should avoid dramatic declarations, secrecy, or using the relationship to punish either ex-partner.
Because he shares a daughter with his former wife, discretion and stable co-parenting also matter. Dating this woman is not inherently wrong. The greater risk would be rushing forward before either of them knows whether they are choosing each other—or merely choosing someone who understands why they are hurting.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
These commenters believed the unusual relationship could work and was worth exploring
These Redditors encouraged asking her out while moving slowly and respectfully.
These users supported pursuing happiness but stressed putting the children’s wellbeing first
These Redditors encouraged OP to take a chance rather than wonder what might have happened
This commenter shared a similar story where the betrayed partners later built a relationship
Should he pursue the connection carefully, or wait until both divorces feel less raw? Could their unusual history strengthen a relationship, or would it always keep their former spouses in the room?
