Infidelity often changes more than just a romantic relationship. When a family is involved, the consequences can spread into trust, routines, and the way children view a parent. Even when adults try to keep kids away from the conflict, children can still notice changes and form their own feelings.
The original poster (OP) shared how her marriage ended after her husband’s year-long affair, and she has worked hard to keep their children connected with him despite the betrayal.
However, over time, the children became more distant and began expressing their own frustrations about their father and his new relationship. When her ex accused her of turning the kids against him, OP finally told him that his choices had affected more than just their marriage.
Now, she is wondering whether she was wrong for saying the affair damaged their entire family. Scroll down to see how Reddit responded to this difficult co-parenting situation.
A divorced mother tells her ex that his affair damaged not only their marriage but also the family their children remember
Many people understand that a broken marriage can hurt deeply, but they often underestimate how far the damage can spread. When trust disappears between two adults, the emotional impact does not always stay inside the relationship.
It can quietly reshape the entire family system, leaving children confused, disappointed, and searching for answers they may not yet have the tools to process.
In this situation, the OP was not simply blaming her ex-husband for the end of their marriage. She was responding to his frustration over why their children seemed distant after his affair and divorce.
From her perspective, she had spent years protecting her children from adult conflict, encouraging their bond with their father, and avoiding negative comments.
What she struggled with was seeing him view their children’s pain as something caused by her influence rather than as a reaction to their own experiences.
At the same time, the emotional dynamic is complicated. Children often experience a parent’s betrayal differently from the betrayed spouse. They may not only see the affair as “the reason mom and dad separated,” but also as a moment when their sense of family security changed.
They can feel replaced, ignored, or uncertain about where they fit in the new family structure. The father may have been focused on repairing his romantic relationship, while the children may have interpreted that transition as losing importance in his life.
A different perspective is that the OP’s statement was not necessarily about punishing him, but about forcing him to recognize a consequence he could not see. Many people who cause emotional harm focus on their intention rather than the impact of their actions.
He may believe that because he did not directly involve the children in the affair, they should not be affected by it. However, children are often sensitive to changes in attention, loyalty, and family stability. Their feelings can develop from what they observe, not only from what they are told.
Family therapists often explain that children caught after parental betrayal need space to process complicated emotions rather than being pushed to immediately accept a new family arrangement.
Psychologist Shirley Glass, known for her work on infidelity and relationships, described betrayal as something that damages the emotional security of a family system, not just the couple involved.
Her research emphasizes that rebuilding trust requires accountability, transparency, and recognition of the hurt caused.
This perspective helps explain why the children’s distance may not be evidence of parental manipulation. Their reaction could be a reflection of unresolved disappointment and a need to feel acknowledged.
However, healing also requires avoiding a situation where children become permanent judges of their parents’ mistakes. The healthiest outcome usually comes when the responsible parent accepts the consequences while consistently showing up, listening, and rebuilding trust over time.
The OP’s words were painful for her ex-husband to hear, but they highlight an important reality: repairing a family after betrayal requires more than moving forward.
It requires understanding what was broken, who was affected, and accepting that some wounds belong to the people who experienced them. Children may forgive, but forgiveness usually begins when they feel their pain has been genuinely recognized.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
These commenters agreed the ex-husband must face the consequences of his cheating actions
These Redditors believed the children’s hurt feelings were natural reactions to betrayal, not caused by the mother
These users recommended therapy and support to help the children process the divorce and emotions
Do you think the mother was unfairly reminding her ex of the past, or was she simply explaining why his children were struggling? Could their relationship heal if he truly listened? Share your thoughts below!
