For some people with OCD, the hardest part isn’t the thought itself.
It’s what happens afterward.
You replay it. Analyze it. Ask yourself what it means. Wonder whether you secretly wanted it. Search your memories for an explanation. Then, because you still aren’t completely certain, you start the process all over again.
One young woman says she’s been trapped in that cycle for years.
She remembers becoming intensely interested in sexual material at an unusually young age. As a child, she secretly searched for explicit content, thought frequently about being desired, and developed behaviors that she now finds deeply disturbing. She also describes childhood experiences involving another child and an older online contact, although she has no clear memory of being sexually abused.
Now she’s an adult with diagnosed OCD, including what she describes as “Pure O,” and she can’t tell where intrusive thoughts end and genuine desires begin.
The uncertainty has started affecting her identity, relationships, and even her understanding of herself.
Her Memories Go Back Further Than She Wants
The poster says her interest in sexual subjects began when she was very young, around six or seven.
She remembers finding ways to access inappropriate material without her parents knowing and being unusually preoccupied with whether other people found her attractive.
As she got older, the behavior continued in different forms. She eventually encountered explicit fiction and other sexual material online, and masturbation became a frequent habit for a period of time.
Some of her childhood behavior now causes her enormous shame.
She also describes having been exposed to sexual material involving animals and later behaving inappropriately toward her own pet. She emphasizes that she did not intend to hurt the animal, but she remains horrified by those memories and says she still experiences unwanted thoughts related to them.
There were also a few confusing experiences involving other people.
She remembers an online friendship around age 11 in which she and an older teenager discussed sexual topics and attraction. She also has a vague memory from preschool involving another child exposing himself.
But beyond those memories, she doesn’t know of any abuse that could explain her early preoccupation.
And that uncertainty has become part of the problem.
She keeps asking herself: If nothing terrible happened to me, why was I like this?
Now She Questions Her Entire Identity
The poster says her struggles have begun affecting her relationships.
She’s currently in a close, non-romantic and non-sexual partnership with someone she deeply cares about. She identifies somewhere on the aromantic and asexual spectrum, but recently she’s started experiencing feelings toward her partner that don’t seem to fit how she understands herself.
That has frightened her.
She can’t tell whether the feelings are genuine attraction or another manifestation of her constant desire to feel wanted.
Her partner has already made it clear that he doesn’t want a romantic or sexual relationship.
So instead of simply experiencing a confusing emotion, the poster finds herself analyzing it.
What if she actually wants a relationship?
What if she isn’t really asexual?
What if she has been wrong about herself all along?
What if the thoughts are OCD?
And perhaps most frighteningly, what if they aren’t?
That’s where her diagnosis becomes especially important.
OCD Can Turn Uncertainty Into an Endless Investigation
The International OCD Foundation explains that OCD can involve intrusive thoughts, images, fears, and urges that feel inconsistent with a person’s values or identity. Sexuality can become a particularly painful focus because people may become consumed by questions about what their thoughts “mean.”
The problem isn’t necessarily having an unusual or disturbing thought.
It’s becoming convinced that you have to figure out exactly what the thought says about you.
Someone might think, What if I secretly want this?
Then comes the mental investigation.
Why did I think it? Why didn’t I immediately reject it? Did I feel something? What did I feel when I was younger? Does remembering it mean I wanted it?
The search for certainty can itself become part of the OCD cycle.
The NHS describes obsessions as unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that can produce significant distress. Compulsions aren’t always visible actions either. They can include repetitive mental acts performed to reduce anxiety.
That distinction may be incredibly important for this poster.
She doesn’t necessarily need to determine which thought is the “real her.”
She may need to learn that she doesn’t have to solve every thought.
Therapy Doesn’t Have to Mean Telling Someone Everything at Once
Understandably, she’s terrified of telling another therapist.
She says previous therapists didn’t seem particularly close to her, partly because her appointments were conducted by phone. She also tried telling a therapist and her mother about some of her childhood experiences before, only to be told that what she experienced was normal.
Instead of reassuring her, that response seems to have left her wondering whether she was simply being dramatic.
But seeking an OCD specialist could be very different from repeatedly trying to explain these experiences to a general therapist.
The International OCD Foundation identifies Exposure and Response Prevention, or ERP, as a first-line psychological treatment for OCD. ERP teaches people to face thoughts and uncertainty without performing the compulsive responses that keep the cycle going.
Importantly, ERP isn’t about forcing someone to accept that their worst fears are true.
It’s about learning that a thought doesn’t require an investigation, ritual, avoidance behavior, or definitive answer.
That could be particularly relevant to someone who constantly asks herself whether her thoughts reveal her “true” desires.
A qualified therapist can also help distinguish OCD symptoms from genuine preferences, boundaries, and values without demanding that the patient immediately have everything figured out.
The Shame May Be Making Everything Worse
One of the saddest parts of the post is how the writer describes herself.
She calls herself disgusting and perverted.
She’s afraid that some hidden part of her personality is fundamentally wrong.
But thoughts, memories, fantasies, feelings, and actions aren’t interchangeable.
Having a thought doesn’t automatically mean wanting to act on it. Having an intrusive image doesn’t make someone a bad person. And being distressed by a thought isn’t evidence that someone secretly agrees with it.
That doesn’t mean every childhood behavior described in the post was harmless. Some of it crossed boundaries, particularly the behavior involving an animal, and recognizing that honestly is appropriate.
But accountability doesn’t require lifelong self-condemnation.
What matters now is understanding the behavior, maintaining appropriate boundaries, and getting professional help for the symptoms that are still causing distress.
The goal isn’t to construct a perfect explanation for every moment of childhood.
It’s to build a healthier relationship with the mind she has today.
She Doesn’t Have to Solve Herself Like a Mystery
The poster seems desperate for certainty.
She wants to know exactly why she had these thoughts as a child. Whether something happened to her. Whether her sexuality is what she thinks it is. Whether her feelings toward her partner are genuine. Which thoughts are OCD and which ones are “really her.”
Unfortunately, OCD can make certainty feel like the only acceptable destination.
But certainty may be exactly what keeps the cycle alive.
The International OCD Foundation notes that treatment can help people learn that intrusive thoughts are not commands and do not have to be treated as meaningful evidence about their character or identity.
That doesn’t mean ignoring genuine feelings.
It means allowing feelings to exist without immediately putting them on trial.
If she realizes she has romantic feelings for her partner, she can deal with that honestly and respect his boundaries.
If she realizes she doesn’t want a romantic relationship, that’s okay too.
And if she doesn’t know yet, she doesn’t have to decide today.
Final Thoughts
The poster seems to believe that understanding herself requires uncovering one perfect explanation for everything that happened in childhood.
Maybe there was an experience she doesn’t remember. Maybe there wasn’t. Early exposure to sexual material may have influenced her. Her OCD may now be amplifying the uncertainty. Several things can be true at once.
She doesn’t need to solve the entire mystery before she deserves help.
The most useful next step may be finding a therapist specifically trained in OCD and ERP and telling them exactly what she told the internet: “I can’t tell the difference between intrusive thoughts and what I actually want, and I’m terrified of what that means about me.”
That’s enough of a starting point.
She isn’t required to walk into therapy already understanding herself.
That’s partly what therapy is for.
