A knock at the door in the middle of an ordinary evening. On the porch stands not her son, not her grandkids but her son’s boss. He looks nervous, shuffling his feet, clearly not here on company business. What he says next leaves her speechless.
He tells her that her 31-year-old son has been “complaining every day” that she hasn’t reached out. The same son who, just months earlier, told her never to contact him again. The same son who blocked her number and cut off access to her grandchildren.
Her heart clenches, but she stands firm. She loves her son. She misses her grandkids. Yet, she knows breaking his boundary now would only make things worse. So she does the hardest thing a parent can do: she says no.
This story isn’t just about family tension. It’s about respect, addiction, and the silent heartbreak of loving someone who’s shut you out.
Now, read the full story:
My heart goes out to you. You’re trying to navigate so many painful strands: adult-child distance, addiction, grandchildren you miss, and a boundary your son laid down that you feel you must honour (even though you disagree). You’re acting out of love and principle.
The appearance of the boss at your home pushes the conflict into someone else’s domain, and suddenly you’re asked to do something that conflicts with your own sense of respect for your son’s boundary. I see you balancing empathy and self-respect.
This situation is emotionally messy, and you’re doing the right thing by checking in and asking with the realisation that there isn’t a simple “fix”.
This feeling of isolation is textbook when a boundary gets set: you’re there, ready with love, but the bridge is down and you’re not sure how long until it gets rebuilt (if at all).
What’s really going on?
At the heart is this: your adult son set a boundary: “Do not contact me.” You respected it. Then someone else (his boss) comes in and tries to override that boundary by instructing you to contact him. This puts you in a clash between two values: respect for your son’s autonomy and the maternal instinct to reach out.
Why boundaries matter?
Research shows that boundaries are essential in parent-adult child relationships. According to a Psychology Today article:
“Boundaries permit each of us to maintain our own space and autonomy while sustaining a close emotional connection.”
In other words: even when we love someone, if we ignore their expressed limits, the relationship risks becoming about control rather than connection.
When addiction is in the picture, those boundaries become even more vital. From a blog about families and addiction:
“Families who enable and do not use boundaries build the substance user’s sense of entitlement.”
And nearly 91% of parents of adult children with addiction cite boundaries, enabling and struggles with “the right” boundary as a key issue.
Here’s a stat to contextualize the emotional terrain: a study of parents of adult children with drug addiction found that these parents often face “ambiguous loss”, they’re physically present but emotionally estranged, unsure whether to treat the situation as grief or hope.
Why you’re not in the wrong?
Given all that, you did three things that align with healthy boundary work:
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Your son clearly said “do not contact me” and you accepted that—even though it hurts. That shows respect for his autonomy.
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You declined the demand by his boss that you violate the boundary. You recognized that the boss is not your son, and his request doesn’t override your son’s stated wish.
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You maintained your own integrity: you didn’t sneak around, you didn’t push the boundary because of external pressure.
Advice moving forward:
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Strengthen your own boundary set: You don’t have to act on behalf of someone else’s demands (even if they are well-meaning). The boss’s intrusion is a red flag for boundary overstep.
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Protect yourself emotionally: The pain of being cut off is real. It might be worth exploring support groups like Al-Anon for families affected by addiction. (One commenter already suggested it.)
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Stay available, not intrusive: Let your son know (if you can) that you are here when/if he chooses but without making contact in a way that breaches his stated boundary. This keeps the door open while honoring the boundary.
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Expect that you cannot control his timeline or recovery: Addiction complicates relational patterns. Changing your behavior (setting and enforcing healthy boundaries) is within your control. His response is not.
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Consider clarifying with the kids (your grandchildren) separately, if possible: Are you blocked from seeing the kids because of the son’s boundary, or is it by choice? That may be a secondary conversation for later.
Check out how the community responded:
Support for the OP keeping her boundary
Criticism of the son’s boss intrusion
Equivalent_Lemon_319 – His boss was very out of line getting so involved here. Next time remind him that he’s not your boss.
Brilliant-Bus-3862 – NTA. His boss was completely out of line, regardless of how long you’ve known him. Let your son have his little pity party by himself.
Sympathy for parent of addicted child
Frustration at son’s behaviour
You’re not the a**hole. You honoured a boundary your adult son set. You refused an outside actor’s push to break that boundary. That’s compassionate and mature behaviour.
But that doesn’t mean the pain goes away. You’re still missing him and the grandchildren, grappling with addiction dynamics, and wanting connection. This may be less about the “who invited whom” argument and more about a deeper pattern of relational hurt, control and recovery.
What might help you is asking: What kind of relationship would feel healthy for you going forward? Are you willing to stay visible (without being invasive) and wait for his choice?
What do you think? Would reaching out if he signals be different than going to him because someone else told you to? Would you feel comfortable staying in place and letting him decide the next move?
