A woman dated her charming boyfriend for 18 months, with plans for him to move into her home seeming perfect after his lease ended. Everything shifted when he casually remarked that her cherished 30-40 minute steam shower routine would have to stop once they shared space, claiming she needed to stay more “present” for a man.
The small critique exploded into a list of demands: store away skincare items, reduce entryway shoes, cancel her composting, forbid unsupervised visits from her teenage brother and his friends, and quit volunteering at a men’s shelter. He justified it all by saying she would belong to him and must behave accordingly upon cohabitation. Stunned, she chose to end the relationship.
A woman ended her relationship after her boyfriend demanded she change personal habits and cut ties.
What began as a minor gripe about shower time quickly exposed deeper issues around control, possession, and expectations in a relationship. The Redditor’s ex was laying out non-negotiable demands that targeted her independence, family ties, and personal time, all under the guise of “moving in together.”
From one perspective, some might argue relationships involve adjusting habits to make cohabitation smoother. Fair enough on surface-level stuff like shoe placement or skincare clutter. But the conversation shifted when he insisted on supervising her teenage brother’s visits and demanded she stop volunteering at a shelter.
These isolated her from family and community while framing her as property rather than a partner. His phrasing “you’re his and need to act like it” is a classic red flag for possessive, controlling dynamics.
This ties into broader patterns of controlling behavior in relationships, often starting subtly before escalating. Experts note that such tactics can include isolation from friends/family, monitoring activities, or dictating personal routines, which erode autonomy.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), over 61 million women in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime, including behaviors aimed at exerting control. Controlling actions like jealousy over time spent with others or attempts to limit independence often precede or accompany other forms of abuse.
Clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, writing for Psychology Today, describes how controlling partners may use emotional manipulation, pointing out that “some controlling partners are acting out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability.”
Yet, regardless of intent, the impact remains harmful, creating an imbalanced power dynamic where one person’s needs dominate. In this story, the ex’s sudden demands suggest insecurity masked as concern for the relationship, but they crossed into restricting her freedom and support network.
The good news? Spotting these patterns early allows for healthier choices. Neutral advice includes open communication about boundaries early on, but when demands feel one-sided or possessive, prioritizing self-respect is key. Therapy or trusted friends can help unpack doubts, especially when family voices add guilt. Ultimately, compromise should feel mutual, not like surrendering parts of yourself.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Some people emphasize that the OP is lucky the boyfriend revealed his controlling and abusive nature early.
Some people strongly support the OP being NTA and praise choosing to be alone over staying with an abusive or controlling partner.
Others point out the mom’s and aunt’s internalized misogyny.
Some people clarify that the issue isn’t the long showers themselves but how they exposed deeper controlling problems in the relationship.
In the end, this Redditor chose her independence, peace, and steam showers over a relationship that demanded she shrink herself. Was ending things the right call before cohabitation turned controlling, or could more compromise have worked? How would you handle family piling on with “you’ll die alone” guilt trips? Drop your thoughts below!
