Some things in relationships seem like they should be no-brainers, like locking the door before heading to bed? But what happens when one partner can’t seem to remember, and the other is spiraling into panic?
That’s the dilemma facing one Redditor who’s struggling to meet his wife’s needs without feeling constantly judged.
Despite living in a safe apartment building in a quiet neighborhood, the act of locking the door has become a source of emotional tension between them. Her anxiety is rising, and his forgetfulness is causing them both to lose sleep.
Can this issue be solved, or is it a sign of deeper frustrations?
Let’s tie this back to the story: the wife’s fears over the locked door aren’t simply a preference for caution, they might be rooted in deeper psychological mechanisms.
The OP’s wife grew up in an environment where vigilance was standard. The OP, however, brought in a more relaxed attitude.
Now, even though they live in a very safe, gated community, the wife’s anxiety has remained intense, she has night terrors and persistent worry over whether the door is locked.
On one side there’s the OP’s effort (locking 8‑9 times out of 10) and on the other side a partner whose emotional response feels outsized to him.
From the psychological lens, this is about more than the door, it’s about control, certainty, and safety.
One relevant study by Adam Radomsky and colleagues at Concordia University found that individuals who believe they might “lose control” are significantly more likely to engage in frequent checking behaviours (like locking the door repeatedly).
What the wife is doing, installing cameras, leaving notes, insisting on locking, could be understood as attempts to regain control in a mental space that feels unsafe despite the reality of external safety.
On the opposing side, the OP’s perspective is also valid: he acknowledges the norm in their current environment is very safe, he locks most of the time, and he’s trying.
From his standpoint the wife’s continued anxiety and demands might feel disproportionate, and that’s understandable.
But for the wife, the memory of a different upbringing, perhaps earlier anxieties, and her internal alarm system are driving a stronger response than the OP attributes.
Broadening the scope, this is a common pattern in relationships where partners have divergent early‑life experiences of safety and control. In anxiety research, the notion of “safety behaviours” (like checking locks, installing cameras, seeking reassurance) is key.
A recent review found that over‑reliance on safety behaviours can in fact maintain or worsen anxiety over the long term.
It’s estimated that roughly 20% of people in the U.S. say they never lock their front door when away from home, illustrating how varied our baseline comfort with “security” really is.
The OP might validate that his wife’s feelings are real—even if the objective risk is low, because emotional reality isn’t always aligned with statistical reality.
They could jointly establish a system: for example, a smart lock that shows “locked” on an app, or a nightly ritual where the OP explicitly communicates “door is locked” to ease both of their minds.
The wife could consider to share the root of her anxiety with a therapist trained in cognitive‑behavioural therapy: to explore whether her checking and fear of unlocked doors link to broader control issues or past experiences.
Together they could negotiate “zones” of control: the OP takes care of the nightly door check; the wife monitors something else (camera, notifications) so her need for security is acknowledged without turning into conflict.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
First up, we have a whole crew of commenters who are like, “Seriously, just lock the door, it’s not that hard.”
Then, there’s the group who’s convinced that his attitude is straight-up gaslighting.
This group of Redditors came through with some relatable takes.
Last but not least, these commenters gave us some cold, hard truth.
In the end, this situation is a delicate dance between understanding and compromise. While the OP’s forgetfulness is understandable, it’s also clear that his wife’s anxiety runs deep.
Is he at fault for not always locking the door, or is her reaction a product of unresolved fears and family patterns? What would you do in their shoes? Drop your thoughts below and let us know, your perspective could be just what they need!
