It’s tough when family asks you to hide a part of yourself, especially something as personal as being trans.
A man’s routine visit to his sister’s house for a pool BBQ turned into a painful moment when his sister asked him to cover up his chest scars, citing her discomfort with her in-laws knowing he’s trans. What followed was a heated argument and him leaving early, leaving the rest of the family confused and upset.
Was he wrong for standing his ground and refusing to cover up, or should he have just gone along with his sister’s request to avoid causing a scene? Keep reading to see how others are weighing in on this complex family dilemma.
A man is questioning if he was wrong for getting mad at his sister for asking him to keep his shirt on at her pool
There’s a universal emotional truth in human relationships: being accepted for who we are matters deeply. For the OP, this wasn’t just a small disagreement about pool attire; it was a moment that touched the core of his identity.
His transition and the physical markers of that journey, including his post‑top surgery scars, are part of his self and his story. When his sister asked him to keep his shirt on because of how her in‑laws might react, the request wasn’t just about swimwear.
It conveyed an expectation that he conceal an important part of himself to make others more comfortable. That kind of message, even if unintentional, can be deeply hurtful.
Psychologists describe this kind of response as emotional invalidation, where a person’s feelings or identity are dismissed or minimized. Clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Lewis Bear explains that invalidation, such as asking someone to change something about themselves to avoid discomfort, can leave a person feeling unseen and unvalued.
She says, “Emotional invalidation leaves a person questioning their own thoughts and feelings, leading to a diminished sense of self‑worth.” The OP’s emotional reaction makes sense in this light: he wasn’t upset merely about a shirt, but about feeling that his identity should be hidden for others’ comfort.
At the same time, family dynamics around unfamiliar or sensitive topics can be complicated. According to Verywell Health, when people feel uncertain or uncomfortable, especially around topics like gender identity, they may react defensively or attempt to avoid conflict.
Verywell Health notes that discomfort doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but understanding it can help bridge conversations: “When people are not familiar with another person’s identity or experience, they often rely on anxiety or fear responses rather than understanding.”
The sister’s request likely came from a desire to avoid awkwardness with her in‑laws, but the way she expressed it lacked sensitivity and understanding of how that request would affect her brother.
This situation highlights a clash between self‑acceptance and social discomfort. The OP’s decision to leave the gathering was driven by genuine hurt, not theatrics, because he was asked to suppress a visible part of himself. However, walking out also escalated the conflict, leading to family tension that was likely unintended.
In moments like this, the most constructive step lies not in assigning blame but in opening a calm dialogue where both sides can express their feelings. The sister might express why she felt uncomfortable and acknowledge how her words landed, while the OP could share how the request impacted him emotionally.
Approaching the situation with mutual respect and a willingness to understand, rather than silence or avoidance, may help repair trust and prevent similar misunderstandings in the future.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
This group supported the OP’s decision, pointing out that the sister’s actions were transphobic and that the real issue was her unwillingness to accept and support the OP’s identity
These commenters sympathized with the OP’s hurt feelings, emphasizing that the sister’s behavior was not only unsupportive but damaging
These users condemned the sister’s actions as shameful, arguing that the OP should never have been asked to hide their identity
This group supported the idea that the sister was being cruel and that the OP shouldn’t have to hide their scars
This commenter expressed confusion over the sister’s logic, emphasizing that the OP had undergone a medical procedure and shouldn’t be expected to hide it for the comfort of others
So, was the trans man in the right for walking out of his sister’s BBQ after she asked him to cover his scars? Can his sister come to terms with her actions and support her brother, or has the damage been done? Drop your thoughts below, how would you have handled this situation?
