This Wife Wanted To "Verify" Her Husband's Chores - Now He Accusing Her Of Being “Controlling”
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This Wife Wanted To “Verify” Her Husband’s Chores – Now He Accusing Her of Being “Controlling”

Charles Butler by Charles Butler
July 3, 2025
in Blog
Reading Time: 19 mins read
This Wife Wanted To "Verify" Her Husband's Chores - Now He Accusing Her of Being “Controlling”

What began as a fun, flirty chore game between a 32-year-old woman and her husband quickly turned into something darker. They assigned points to household tasks—cook dinner, earn 10; do laundry, earn 5—and traded playful prizes like backrubs. But when the stakes shifted to “loser washes dishes for a week,” and her husband kept winning suspiciously, things soured.

   
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One innocent photo of their whiteboard revealed something off: her points had mysteriously dropped. When she suggested tracking scores in a Google Doc, her husband exploded—accusing her of being controlling and untrusting. Now, exhausted from caring for their infant and blindsided by his reaction, she wonders: did she cross a line—or just finally draw one?

This Wife Wanted To "Verify" Her Husband's Chores - Now He Accusing Her of Being “Controlling”

This Redditor’s chore saga is a wild ride—grab your sponge and hold on!

'Aita For Wanting To 'Verify' My Husband's Chores?'

I feel like I might be going nuts and need a sanity check. So husband (40m) and I (32f) had what started as a fun 'chore game.

' Basically, to get motivated to do chores around the house, husband suggested 'gamifying' it - we have a list of chores pinned on the wall, each with certain points: cooking a complicated dinner = 10 points, doing laundry = 5 points, and so on.

It sounds silly, but it actually made it more fun and we could joke around that one of us was going to 'level up' before the other. Each week, the points reset, and whoever won would get a prize.

Now before, the prize was always something like getting serenaded by the other person or getting a backrub. You know, super low stakes. Then a month ago, husband suggested we up the ante and make it a 'real' prize.

He proposed whoever lost would wash the dishes for the next week (without earning points). I was hesitant because I felt like it could lead to resentment by the loser, but husband said that would just motivate the loser to try harder next time, and that washing dishes wasn't a big deal anyway. I thought there was no harm in trying it out.

It was pretty close competition, but husband won the first week. He then won the second, third, and fourth weeks too. I like to think I was a good sport about it, though it was a bit hard - while I was washing, husband would sit at the counter eating a snack and gloat/tease me. Saying stuff like 'that's right, keep washing.

' I know he meant it as light teasing, and it was funny at first, but after weeks I found it obnoxious! I asked him to tone it down, and he would for a while, but then start up again. Today, things got weird.

It all started when I took a photo of the whiteboard we use to track points, to text to a friend since she wanted to try. A few hours later when I looked at the whiteboard and my photo, I noticed my points were lower than before.

Now, I've always had serious memory issues when it comes to numbers (I can't even memorize a phone number) so normally, I would almost certainly write it off as my own mistake. But the photo was right there. I didn't know what to feel.

When I brought up the photo to him, he looked surprised and then said he probably accidentally touched/erased the whiteboard and wrote it back wrong.

I asked him if maybe going forward, instead of relying on the honors system, we could have a Google doc with the points since Google shows you all the edits. I presented it as a way for us to avoid accidents. Here, husband became really upset.

He asked if I really distrusted him so much as to think he would cheat at a silly game like this, and all over washing dishes. I said it wasn't about the dishes, but being fair.

He wouldn't hear of it and said my accusations really hurt him, that I was being controlling by wanting to 'verify'/'audit' his chores. The more he talked, the more I started doubting myself. AITA for suggesting the 'audit'?

EDIT: I've been asked to add this to my post: husband and I have a 5-month boy that I do most of the care for. The childcare doesn't get points because the system is that we don't get points for our 'jobs.

' He works much longer hours than me as I only freelance very part-time, so the childcare is considered my job. I'm understanding now there are a lot of problems in our relationship, though I don't want to make it sound like he's doing nothing either.

He often works so much, sometimes he leaves at 6am and doesn't get home until around midnight.

The way he's racked up points before is he does a lot of 'big ticket' items over the weekend (he works four days a week, has the fifth day to recover as his work is heavy manual labor, then is pretty much doing chore work the whole weekend).

The weekend is where I catch up on a lot of sleep, while he handles all of our budgeting and getting groceries, cooks/freezes a lot of meals for the upcoming week, general cleaning/tidying/house upkeep.

That's when he watches me wash the dishes too, so the gloating is not happening all the time only weekends. Reading all of these comments has been emotional for me. I was honestly so o**rwhelmed by some of the support that I cried a bit reading them.

There have also been a couple of chat messages calling me a doormat/spineless/etc. which were quite n**ty... but maybe they're not wrong. I feel validated but also embarrassed that I may have been so naive/played for a fool.

I've known this man for a long time and my family loves him, I trusted him implicitly. Even now it's hard to get out of that mindset and I'm fighting the urge to make excuses for him.

This morning before he left, he said he was sorry the game upset me (I slept in the baby's room because I didn't want to be near him). I told him it wasn't the game that upset me, it was him. He kind of shook his head and said we'd talk more when he didn't have work.

This chore chart clash might seem silly on the surface, but it reveals something deeper unraveling beneath the surface. What started as a fun, low-stakes game between a tired new mom and her hardworking husband quickly morphed into a subtle power play. Her discovery of a point discrepancy—confirmed by a photo—should’ve sparked a laugh or a shrug. Instead, it lit a fire.

Her husband’s reaction wasn’t just defensive. It was accusatory, emotional, and oddly intense for someone claiming the stakes were no big deal. The suggestion of a Google Doc, something small and sensible given her admitted struggles with numbers, became a symbol of distrust in his eyes. That alone shifts this from playful to personal.

The gloating didn’t help either. Sitting back while she washed dishes, teasing her after losing four weeks in a row, added salt to the wound. Especially when she’s the one primarily handling their five-month-old and freelancing on the side. The imbalance feels more like a brewing resentment than innocent fun.

And there’s research to back it. According to a 2023 Pew study, around 60 percent of couples with young children report conflict over unequal division of chores. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, emphasized that “trust is built through small, consistent acts of fairness and respect.” In this case, her husband’s unwillingness to adopt a transparent system and his emotional deflection raise red flags.

If this were just about points, it could’ve been fixed in minutes. But this is about fairness, recognition, and emotional safety. Couples can’t run on jokes and games alone. There needs to be mutual respect under the fun. Was she overstepping with her request, or was this the only way left to be taken seriously?

Reddit’s serving takes hotter than a greasy frying pan

Here's what people had to say to OP:

One comment cut straight to the truth, delivering what many readers were already thinking but hadn’t yet said aloud:

bigbuttfucker − NTA. All you need to say is the whiteboard isn't working and Google Docs is the only way to keep track safely. Easy peasy. But he's cheating in the game. And then being a sore winner and gloating.

PotentialDementor didn’t sugarcoat a thing and frankly, their take stings because it rings so true. They called out what many quietly suspected: this wasn’t just an innocent mistake. If it were, her husband wouldn’t push back so hard on a system with built-in transparency.

His refusal to switch to Google Docs says more than he realizes. We agree, cheating at a “silly game” is exactly what makes it so telling. It’s low stakes, so if he’s dishonest here, where else might that mindset creep in?

PotentialDementor − NTA. Yikes, he's playing you. He didn't 'accidentally' erase points on your side only. He has, obviously, been editing them so he wins to get out of other chores. If he really wasn't, he wouldn't have a problem doing it in docs.

It might just be a 'silly game' but that's all the more reason to cheat. Because why would he cheat over it? because he can get away with it and he still benefits from it.

Poochonmom brought up something that hits even deeper than scorekeeping, basic empathy. Even if he was truly winning fair and square (which is up for debate), four weeks straight of making your partner scrub dishes alone while you sit back and gloat? That’s not playful, that’s performative dominance. The lack of flexibility or kindness in that “win streak” feels like a bigger red flag than the altered whiteboard. A little compassion would’ve gone a long way.

poochonmom − NTA Even if he truly won 4 weeks in a row, why hasn't he offered to change up the prize or maybe skip the penalty one week? Seems weird that he has made you do the dishes by yourself for a month (! ) Straight and then gloated about it. EDIT: Wow! Thanks for all the likes!

Millera85 cuts straight to the heart of the issue: when the “game” becomes one-sided, it stops being fun—it becomes manipulation disguised as play. At that point, ditching the scoreboard and going back to fair, shared responsibilities isn’t just reasonable—it’s necessary. Why compete when you could cooperate?

millera85 − Ohhh he is cheating for sure. I would say the game isn’t fun anymore, we will just split the chores from now on and alternate dishes etc every other night.

Wet-noodles didn’t hold back, comparing the husband’s behavior to childhood-level cheating, but with a darker twist. And honestly, they make a strong point. If someone bends the rules to avoid washing dishes, what happens when the stakes are bigger?

This isn’t just about chores, it’s about trust, maturity, and whether someone’s willing to play fair when no one’s watching.

wet-noodles − NTA This feels like the kind of cheating that my nephew grew out of at like age 7 but inherently more malicious. Might be something to straighten out before you even consider kids with this person (if you are, I mean!

AlexisRosesHands cuts right to the bone, suggesting the whole chore game may have been a setup from the start. The implication? He didn’t just want to avoid dishes, he wanted control, a quiet win behind a playful mask. And when he got caught, he lashed out. If this is how he handles low-stakes “fun,” it makes you wonder what else might be quietly rigged in this relationship.

AlexisRosesHands − My original comment was deemed “uncivil” for some reason... OP, he came up with this ruse before he ever mentioned the new “prize” to you. It was a scam to get out of doing the dishes, but I also think he gets off on “winning” and pulling one over on you. You caught him and he got angry. NTA.

Hopefully this is the only area in your relationship where he is gleefully taking advantage of you.

ScoobyCute doesn’t just comment — she drops a lifeline from lived experience. Her story reads like a quiet warning wrapped in compassion: things that start as playful imbalance can fester into full-blown control. Her message?

If someone mocks your boundaries, rewrites your effort, and flips blame when caught, don’t wait for things to boil over. With a baby in the picture, stakes are higher. Her words aren’t alarmist — they’re a deeply personal, sobering reminder that subtle manipulation today can lead to long-term harm tomorrow.

ScoobyCute − NTA - I’m not sure what your situation is like, but it’s probs a good idea to try planning for the worst.

My ex was like this - seemed great at first but slowly grew resentful, refused to help out with anything, wanted me to quit my doctoral degree to work more hours so he could pursue a master’s degree (I considered it but he wasn’t a good enough student and didn’t have the earning potential to

justify me quitting). Teased me in a rude way even when I asked him to please stop, liked making fun of me in front of my family. Anyhow, when I realized how unequal and messed up things were, I slowly started working on my exit plan. Saving money, getting living arrangements in order, etc.

I did it quietly and waited for the right opportunity (you have to be kind of savvy with leaving the controlling types or they’ll try to sabotage you/hurt you on the way out).

After a blow-up fight where he called me horrible names and declared he was leaving me bc I didn’t support him enough, I agreed and said we should end it.

He was astonished but bc it was ‘his idea’ and I was able to fall back on ‘you’re the one who broke up with me’ I was able to get out relatively unscathed.

Anyhow, my instinct is that you should definitely confront him about the issue, or maybe even forego talking and just throw away the white board and declare that you’re already busy enough and don’t have time to do his chores on top of your own anymore.

But you have a baby to consider and that makes it more complicated. Definitely stand up for yourself and try to work it out! Therapy might help. But... if you see additional red flags, it might be good to start working on a safe exit plan in secret.

You have to protect yourself against someone whose already demonstrated a willingness to lie, deceive, and gaslight you. I wish you the best of luck.

Frequent_Stranger13 hit the nail on the head with a no-nonsense take. The moment she caught him red-handed, his first instinct wasn’t honesty — it was guilt-tripping her. That’s not just deflection, it’s textbook manipulation. Their advice? Set a clear boundary: transparency or no game at all. It’s a reminder that trust isn’t built on whiteboards. It’s built on respect.

Frequent_Stranger13 − NTA. You caught him and he is manipulating you to get out of being honest going forward. Either insist on the Google doc or refuse to do the “game” anymore.

_01001000-01101001 brings a calm, practical voice into this heated domestic moment. They suggest what many readers are likely thinking: maybe it’s time to ditch the “real” stakes. The shift from lighthearted backrubs to dish-duty penalties clearly sparked tension — and possibly exposed dishonesty.

If the game’s no longer bringing connection but instead causing distrust, is it worth keeping around? Sometimes, the simplest rewards — like a back rub — carry more love than any scoreboard ever could.

__01001000-01101001_ − NTA, but I think it may be time to stop with those prizes. To me it sounds like your husband is overreacting to the suggestion because he’s been caught out cheating and he doesn’t want to own up to it.

While the game may have been fun at the start, if he can’t play fair and it’s only creating problems, is it still worth it? At the least I’d get rid of the “real prizes” and just go back to back rubs, I mean who doesn’t love a good back rub anyway?

Monkeydoc68 kept it short, sharp, and brutal: “he got caught.” And honestly, sometimes that’s all that needs to be said.

Monkeydoc68 − NTA - he got caught.

Are these opinions a clean win or just sudsy chatter? You tell us!

This chore game gone wrong shows how fast fun can turn foul. The Redditor’s push to verify points was a fair ask, especially with evidence of tampering, but her husband’s defensive meltdown and gloating habits hint at deeper issues.

With a newborn in the mix, fairness matters more than ever. Was she right to call out the score, or should she have let it slide? How would you handle a sneaky chore chart?

Share your spicy takes below and keep the convo sparkling!

Charles Butler

Charles Butler

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