Relationships can be tested in unexpected ways, and sometimes it’s not the big betrayals that hurt the most, but the small ones that chip away at trust.
This woman had been planning her wedding, thinking she and her fiancé, Tom, were building a future together. But when she discovered he was still meeting up with his ex, Sara, under the guise of “closure,” her world was turned upside down.
Tom insists that nothing physical happened and that his relationship with Sara is nothing to worry about, but his actions and defensiveness have left her feeling betrayed. Is she overreacting by calling off the wedding, or is Tom’s behavior truly crossing a line? Keep reading to see how this emotional dilemma plays out.
A woman calls off her wedding after discovering her fiancé met up with his ex secretly
In this situation, the OP’s reaction reflects a core psychological and relational issue: trust in a committed partnership depends heavily on transparency, honest communication, and agreed‑upon boundaries.
What seemed like a private meetup with an ex became a major breach of trust because it was kept secret, minimized, and then defended in a way that made the OP feel blamed rather than heard.
Trust and Transparency in Romantic Relationships
Research on communication privacy management theory explains why the OP’s hurt was understandable. This theory highlights how romantic partners develop shared expectations about what should be disclosed in a relationship, especially regarding emotionally significant people like exes.
When one partner withholds private information that the other expects to be shared, it creates what psychologists call “privacy boundary turbulence,” leading to conflict and distrust.
In healthy relationships, transparency about contact with an ex, even indirect or “innocent”, is considered a key element of trust. Relationship advice sources often emphasize that when a partner insists on secrecy or minimizes their behavior, it can signal unresolved attachment or poor boundary respect.
Conversations about why the contact happened, how each partner feels about it, and whether the contact aligns with agreed‑upon boundaries are essential.
Why Contact With an Ex Can Be Emotionally Charged
Even if there was no physical infidelity, ongoing or recent in‑person contact with an ex can slow emotional recovery and keep feelings from fully resolving after a breakup.
Research on post‑breakup contact finds that more frequent in‑person contact with an ex‑partner has been linked to slower psychological recovery and sustained distress after separation, particularly when one partner has not fully moved on or when contact is unanticipated.
This doesn’t mean every interaction with an ex is inherently harmful, but it supports the idea that context and timing matter, especially when a new committed relationship is underway.
Emotional vs. Physical Betrayal
Another relevant concept is emotional cheating, an attachment to someone outside the primary relationship that undermines intimacy or trust.
Although not all experts agree on where exactly “emotional cheating” begins, many recognize that secretive emotional closeness or sustained intimacy with an ex without disclosure can be deeply hurtful to a partner and effectively function like a betrayal in the emotional realm.
The OP’s fiancé framing her reaction as “insecurity” rather than recognizing her hurt reflects another well‑studied dynamic: gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation where one partner dismisses or minimizes the other’s legitimate feelings.
Described by relationship professionals as a tactic that can undermine a partner’s confidence in their emotional reality, gaslighting often shifts responsibility onto the person who is hurt rather than addressing the underlying problem. (GBV Learning Network)
Boundaries With an Ex After a Relationship Ends
Experts recommend that healthy boundaries with an ex usually involve clearly defined limitations around when, why, and how contact occurs, and most importantly, mutual agreement about those boundaries in the current relationship.
Rules can include limiting communication to necessary topics only (e.g., co‑parenting), sharing information openly, and avoiding unplanned or emotionally charged meetups that could reignite old feelings or create insecurity. (Hobson Family Law)
These aren’t rigid prescriptions, but they are guidelines that couples often use to navigate potential pain points. Ignoring these kinds of boundaries without consent can make a partner feel unsafe in the relationship’s emotional space.
Interpreting the OP’s Decision
Calling off the wedding in this context is consistent with asserting personal boundaries after a perceived breach of trust. The OP wasn’t just reacting to a single meeting; she was responding to:
- a lack of transparency about contact with the ex,
- being made to feel wrong for expressing valid feelings, and
- a disregard for her emotional safety and expectations in the relationship.
Trust isn’t rebuilt instantly, and many therapists stress that a partner must be able to acknowledge hurt and work to repair it, rather than dismiss it as insecurity.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
This group points out that the fiancé’s actions (staying overnight with the ex and trying to hide it) are suspicious and unjustifiable
These users emphasize that the fiancé’s refusal to be honest and his defensive behavior are huge red flags
This group highlights that the fiancé’s insistence on having “closure” with his ex is unreasonable, especially considering the length of time since the breakup
These users encourage the OP to walk away from the relationship
This group is critical of the fiancé’s actions, saying that no “closure” justifies staying overnight with an ex
Do you think the OP overreacted, or was her decision to call off the wedding a necessary step to preserve her emotional well-being?
Some believe that the fiancé’s actions were understandable, while others think she dodged a bullet by walking away. What would you do if you found out your fiancé was still keeping secrets about their ex? Share your thoughts below!
