OP’s father was abandoned by his biological mother as a toddler and was raised by his stepmother, who has been his mother and OP’s grandmother for more than 70 years. OP never had a relationship with the biological grandmother and only recently discovered her identity through an old birth certificate.
A search led OP to an obituary for a woman who appears to be the right person. She died six weeks ago and left behind children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren who may have no idea that OP’s father and uncle even exist. Because OP’s own mother was adopted and died young, she has very little information about her biological ancestry.
OP is considering taking a DNA test to establish whether this woman really was her biological grandmother. If the result confirms it, she wonders whether contacting the surviving family would make her the jerk—or whether she’s simply trying to understand where she came from.
A woman finds a possible link to the grandmother who abandoned her father decades ago
Few questions about family are as complicated as the ones left unanswered by abandonment. When someone disappears before a child can understand why, the silence can continue through generations, leaving descendants to wonder what happened, who they came from, and whether they have any right to seek the missing pieces.
The OP is not trying to rewrite her father’s childhood. Her biological grandmother left her father and uncle when they were toddlers, and another woman became the mother figure who remained in their lives for more than seven decades.
Now, after finding her father’s birth certificate and locating a recently published obituary, the OP has discovered a possible extended family who may not even know that she and her father exist.
Her motivation is understandable: her mother’s biological family is also unknown, so this could represent a rare opportunity to learn about her own ancestry and potentially connect with relatives she never knew existed.
There is another way to look at the situation, though. The OP is not responsible for preserving the silence surrounding her grandmother, but neither is she entitled to assume that the surviving family understands the past the way she does.
Her grandmother may have concealed the earlier children, her later family may know everything, or they may have an entirely different version of events. Contacting them could bring valuable answers—or reopen grief that they have only recently begun processing after her death.
Genetic genealogy researcher and author Blaine Bettinger, known as The Genetic Genealogist, has emphasized that DNA testing can uncover unexpected biological relationships and that people considering testing should be prepared for discoveries that may challenge long-held assumptions about family.
He recommends approaching genetic genealogy with awareness that other people’s privacy and emotional circumstances can be affected by what the test reveals.
That is especially relevant here because the OP is considering two separate steps: taking a DNA test and contacting potential relatives. The first can provide information without immediately placing an emotional burden on strangers.
The second is far more consequential. If the DNA evidence confirms the connection, a carefully worded, low-pressure message could give the recipients room to decide whether they want contact.
The OP also does not need to approach them as though she is demanding recognition. A message explaining that she recently discovered a possible biological connection, providing verifiable information, and saying that she understands if they need time or prefer not to engage would be very different from arriving with accusations or expectations.
Most importantly, learning about this family does not diminish the woman who raised her father. Biological ancestry and lived family history are not mutually exclusive. The grandmother may explain where the OP’s DNA came from, but the stepmother represents the relationship that actually endured.
Seeking information is not inherently disrespectful. The healthiest version of that search is one that leaves room for other people to have complicated histories too.
Sometimes finding your family tree means discovering branches that were deliberately cut off long before you were born. The challenge is learning about those branches without assuming you already know why they were removed.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
These Redditors said reaching out is fine if OP accepts boundaries and possible rejectio
These users warned that contact could reopen old wounds and create major family turmoil
These commenters questioned whether the search is worth the privacy risks and potential drama
These Redditors noted DNA testing could enable contact but might also raise inheritance concerns
Should she contact these possible relatives, or would respecting the family’s long silence be wiser? What would others do in her position?
