Cutting contact with toxic parents isn’t easy, especially when “flying monkeys” keep feeding them information. After finally going no contact, this Redditor thought she was safe until her parents somehow got her new number.
Determined to catch the snitch, she set an ingenious trap by telling each mutual contact a different lie. When the secret got back to her parents, she found her culprit but also upset her innocent sister in the process. Was she justified for lying to expose the leak, or did she go too far?
A woman faked personal crises to each of four confidants to identify who was relaying info to her abusive parents
Going no-contact with abusive parents isn’t just an emotional decision; it’s a survival strategy. Yet, even after cutting the cord, some families find creative ways to reattach themselves through guilt, manipulation, or, as Reddit calls them, “flying monkeys.”
In this story, the Original Poster (OP) chose an unconventional method to identify who among her few trusted connections was leaking information back to her narcissistic parents.
By telling each person a different lie, an affair, a pregnancy, a move, she waited to see which rumor would make its way home. Three days later, the truth surfaced.
What makes this story divisive is not the outcome, but the means. Was it clever self-defense or a betrayal of innocent trust? The aunt and friend understood, but the sister, though proven loyal, felt insulted by the deception. This highlights an uncomfortable truth about family estrangement: protecting one’s peace often comes at the cost of relational trust.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, narcissistic families frequently use “information pipelines” to maintain control even after estrangement. “Flying monkeys serve the narcissist’s agenda by guilt-tripping or manipulating the target into returning to the fold,” she explained in Psychology Today.
That tug-of-war between privacy and loyalty is emotionally exhausting. For people with narcissistic parents, every contact, even well-meaning relatives, can become a potential risk.
A 2022 study on family estrangement by Cornell University found that 27% of adults in the U.S. are estranged from at least one family member, most commonly due to emotional abuse, boundary violations, or manipulation. When boundaries are repeatedly ignored, paranoia is not overreaction; it’s often a trauma response.
So where does that leave the OP? From a mental health perspective, she achieved her goal, she found the leak and protected her boundary.
But her sister’s feelings are valid, too. Rebuilding trust requires transparency about why she felt the need to lie and reassurance that her intention wasn’t malice, but self-preservation.
Therapists who specialize in narcissistic family recovery, like Dr. Karyl McBride (Will I Ever Be Free of You?), often suggest establishing “tiers of trust,” small, measured disclosures to test safety without deception.
Check out how the community responded:
These commenters agreed that OP went too far by lying about having an affair
This group felt the OP’s actions caused unnecessary distress
These users took a more empathetic tone
This commenter fully backed the OP’s approach, calling it clever and effective
So what do you think? Was this clever trap justified self-defense, or a manipulative overreach that mirrored the very behavior she escaped? Would you forgive a loved one for lying in the name of protection? Drop your thoughts below.
