Few topics test a marriage like the question of children. For some couples, it’s a bridge that unites them; for others, it’s a line that divides them forever.
One Reddit user shared how her marriage fell apart after she followed through on a decision she had been clear about since day one: she never wanted to have children. When she unexpectedly became pregnant, despite being on birth control, her husband’s joy turned to heartbreak, and her choice led to a painful ending neither of them could undo.
What followed was not just a medical decision, but the unraveling of trust, respect, and shared understanding.
A 33-year-old woman, firm on her child-free stance, got an abortion and filed for divorce after her husband’s hostile reaction
One of the most emotionally charged and ethically complex conflicts within a marriage is the differing views on parenthood. From a psychological and relational standpoint, experts widely agree that incompatibility over having children is one of the strongest predictors of long-term marital breakdown.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, deeply held core values, such as whether or not to become a parent, fall into what he calls “perpetual problems.” These are conflicts that cannot be resolved through compromise, because they are rooted in identity, beliefs, or life goals.
In this situation, both individuals acted based on their personal convictions. OP’s choice to terminate her pregnancy aligned with her long-standing stance and autonomy over her body.
Legally and ethically, reproductive decisions rest with the person who is pregnant, as upheld by established medical and legal frameworks. The husband’s reaction, however, reveals a profound emotional disconnect and likely a breach of mutual understanding that existed prior to marriage.
His assumption that OP would “change her mind” suggests he may have entered the relationship with unspoken expectations rather than acceptance, a dynamic that relationship therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch identifies as “false agreement,” where one partner assumes the other’s stance will shift with time or love.
The grief and anger he displayed post-abortion are consistent with the mourning of imagined futures, a form of disenfranchised grief, where emotional pain is real but not socially recognized, as described by Dr. Kenneth Doka, an expert in grief counseling. Still, assigning moral blame to OP (“you killed our child”) crosses into emotional abuse and reflects misplaced guilt.
Advice for OP:
1. Seek Trauma-Informed Therapy. Both the abortion and the emotional fallout of the divorce are significant life stressors. A trauma-informed therapist can help OP process guilt, anger, and residual fear, while reinforcing her sense of agency.
2. Avoid Retaliation or Contact. Given the husband’s volatility, minimal contact and legal counsel through the divorce process are crucial to ensure safety and emotional stability.
3. Clarify Future Boundaries. In future relationships, OP may benefit from reaffirming her stance on parenthood early on to prevent emotional or ethical mismatches.
4. Support Emotional Healing Without Shame. Research by the American Psychological Association (APA) shows that most women do not experience lasting mental health harm from abortion itself, but from stigma and social judgment. Prioritizing self-compassion and supportive communities is essential.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Reddit users declared her not the jerk, slamming the husband for ignoring her clear stance
One acknowledged birth control’s imperfect efficacy but supported the divorce due to their incompatibility
This group condemned the husband’s “you’ll change your mind” assumption as manipulative
This folk shared a story of a woman who stayed firm on her child-free stance post-birth
This couple urged couples to align on kids before marriage
Others praised her for prioritizing her needs
This story touches one of the most emotionally charged crossroads a couple can face – love versus autonomy. The woman didn’t change her mind. Her husband did. And when he refused to respect her right to decide, the relationship couldn’t survive.
She didn’t end a marriage because of an abortion; she ended it because the person she trusted stopped honoring her boundaries.
Sometimes, the hardest choices are the ones that protect your peace.
So what do you think? Was this woman right to walk away, or could this marriage have been saved with compassion and communication?
