A family home turns into a caregiving zone and the adult kid hits the pause button.
At 20, our Redditor moved out for college, and when his mom welcomed her fiancé and his two kids (one with serious disabilities) into the house, things changed. The regular childhood room disappeared and so did the comfortable visits. Mom hoped he’d take caregiver classes and step up when needed. He said no—he’d visit, spend time with her, but not train to care for a medically complex child.
Now, read the full story:
My immediate reaction: I feel for you. You’re trying to balance loyalty to your mom with carving out your own adult life, and you’re being asked to sign up for something you never agreed to—especially something heavy and specialized like caregiving for a medically fragile child. That’s a huge ask. It’s not a lack of love or refusal to be part of the family; it’s you setting a boundary. And boundaries matter.
This feeling of isolation, where you love your mom but don’t want to be roped into a caregiver role, is totally understandable. Let’s dig into what’s really going on here.
The situation boils down to responsibility, expectation and boundaries. Your mom and her fiancé have stepped into a scenario that changes everything: new household members, a medically complex child, and implied caregiving roles for you. That’s a big shift for everyone.
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Acorrding to STRESS: FAMILY CAREGIVERS OF CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES Nearly 17 million family caregivers in the U.S. provide care to children with developmental disabilities. That caregiving role carries increased risks of physical and psychological strain.
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The concept of respite care, temporary relief for caregivers, is shown to reduce stress, improve health and support family stability.
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When blending families, clearly defined boundaries are crucial. Without them, confusion, hurt and resentment build.
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Caregiver boundary-setting: “Just because someone asks you to do something, doesn’t mean you should do it.”
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“You absolutely need to be prepared to say this is your boundary… then communicate it out loud.”
This isn’t about you being cruel or unwilling to help. It’s about setting a realistic expectation of what you can and are willing to do. The research on caregiver stress shows that taking on a significant role without support or readiness is a real health risk, not just physically but emotionally.
Also, blending families creates ambiguous roles; “step-family caregiver of a medically complex child” is not a typical or fair default role for a visiting adult child.
Your mom and fiancé are asking you to essentially become a backup caregiver. That involves serious training and liability for high needs child. It’s a role you did not negotiate or sign up for. It’s fair to refuse and say: “I love you, I’ll visit, but I can’t be a babysitter/professional caregiver.”
On the flip side, because your mom is in a caregiving scenario, she also needs support but from professionals or local trusted persons, not automatically you. She likely hoped you’d step in out of love. But hopes aren’t obligations.
A concrete alternative: Offer visiting time with your mom only, or help coordinate professional support rather than ourselves stepping into the caregiver slot. You might say: “I’m happy to spend Saturdays with you, go for brunch or watch a movie while you get a break, but I’m not going to handle medical care for the 4-year-old.”
You’re not the jerk here. You’re a young adult carving your path and refusing an undefined role. Your mom’s new family dynamic is complex, and it’s fine for you to set boundaries. The useful move for her is to secure proper caregiving coverage and not rely on you just because you’re her child.
Check out how the community responded:
Team OP: many supported his decision to set boundaries.
Calling out unreasonable expectations from fiancé and new family structure.
Support for your personal autonomy and mental space.
You love your mom and you care about your family. But that does not mean you need to sign up for being a trained caregiver for her fiancé’s medically complex child—especially when you didn’t agree to that role. You’re allowed to be part of the family on your terms.
She’s allowed to ask, but you’re allowed to say no. What matters now is honest communication: “Mom, I’ll visit. I’ll spend one-on-one time with you. But I’m not available to take on the caregiver training or overnight stays.” Let her know what you can do, not just what she hopes you’ll do.
What do you think? Should the son have taken the classes anyway to “help a little,” or did he do the right thing by refusing the responsibility altogether?
