Son Calls Mother Heartless For Demanding Time With Fiancée While She Mourns Brother’s Sudden Death

A fiancé’s brother died without warning after months of hopeful hospital recovery, leaving her drained and caring for his young children while barely sleeping or eating. Meanwhile, her future mother-in-law shows up unannounced and refuses to leave when told the grieving woman was napping.

The same mom who once forced a two-year no-contact period suddenly flipped to obsessive adoration, then exploded with cold dismissal when denied instant access, insisting the death “wasn’t unexpected” and Anna should just suck it up.

Man defends grieving fiancée from clingy, insensitive mom who flipped from hostility to obsession.

Meeting the in-laws is stressful enough without them doing a complete personality U-turn. What we’re seeing here looks less like a heartwarming redemption arc and more like a classic case of erratic boundary issues, possibly even what therapists call “splitting,” where someone flips between idealizing and devaluing the same person.

At first the mom tried criticism and control (a common tactic when parents feel they’re losing influence over an adult child). When that backfired and contact was cut, love-bombing Anna became the new strategy. Suddenly Anna could do no wrong… until she dared to need space while mourning. Then the mask slipped right back to cruelty.

This kind of emotional whiplash isn’t rare. A 2022 study published in Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy found that in relationships involving borderline personality disorder, splitting is linked to difficulty maintaining stable relationships and respecting boundaries, exactly what played out here.

A 2009 study published in Psychology and Aging showed that 94% of families report at least some tension in parent-adult child relationships, often over boundaries and unsolicited advice, with sudden shifts indicating deeper issues.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes this shift in narcissistic patterns: “The minute that narcissistic partner gets the idea that you’re all in the phase of devaluing starts. All of a sudden there’s some passive aggressive barbs, some invalidation, disrespect, gaslighting.”

Her words ring true here. The mom’s dismissal of the brother’s death – insisting Anna should just “suck it up” – is particularly telling. Grief experts stress that even expected losses can be devastating when hope had been building.

As grief expert Eleanor Haley explains: “You can both prepare for the possibility of a death while also having that death be completely shocking and sudden when it arrives.” Minimizing that pain only compounds the trauma.

So what’s the healthy move? Clear, calm boundaries delivered as a team, limited contact if those boundaries keep getting trampled, and possibly therapy for the mom (though she has to want it).

Protecting your partner’s peace, especially during bereavement, isn’t “choosing sides.” It’s basic decency.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Some people fully support OP as NTA and praise him for protecting his fiancée from his mother’s controlling behavior.

Some people see the mother’s extreme swing from hatred to obsession as manipulative and recommend low/no contact.

Some people suspect the mother’s behavior is calculated, possibly to keep enemies close or to regain control.

In the end, standing between your grieving partner and someone steamrolling her boundaries isn’t cruel, even if that’s your own mom. Anyway, it’s love with backbone. Was calling her out harshly the most diplomatic choice? Maybe not. But when empathy goes missing at the exact moment it’s needed most, sometimes the truth just slips out unfiltered.

So tell us: would you have kept your cool, or was the “heartless” label a long time coming? How do you draw the line with family who treat your partner like a toy to be picked up and dropped on a whim? Drop your thoughts below, we’re all ears!