Family bonds are important, but what happens when your family’s idea of togetherness starts to feel suffocating?
For this 16-year-old, his attempts to have his own personal interests and hobbies have been thwarted by his parents’ insistence that he share everything with his younger siblings.
Despite repeatedly trying to engage in extracurriculars, he has been forced to quit each time because his siblings are added into the mix.
His parents argue that family comes first and that his reluctance to include his siblings makes him a bad family member.
This situation highlights something many families experience, especially those with members on the autism spectrum, the tension between family togetherness and individual autonomy.
The OP’s frustration isn’t just about extracurriculars. It’s about having personal space, interests, and opportunities to grow that aren’t always tied to family or sibling involvement.
What may look like a refusal to participate in shared experiences is actually a healthy drive toward independence and a distinct identity, something developmental psychology says is especially important in adolescence.
Research on siblings of children with autism shows that neurotypical siblings often face unique emotional and social challenges as well as strengths.
These siblings may take on caregiving roles, experience uneven parental attention, and feel pulled between supporting family needs and pursuing their own interests.
Studies highlight both increased resilience and increased stress among these siblings, including impacts on emotional well‑being and social self‑efficacy compared with siblings of typically developing children.
This doesn’t mean all experiences are negative.
Some studies describe rich, meaningful sibling relationships and emotional growth, but they also emphasize that support systems for neurotypical siblings are crucial precisely because their experiences differ from peers without neurodivergent family members.
The parents’ emphasis on doing everything together likely stems from love, a desire for inclusion, and perhaps a protective instinct given the additional needs of the OP’s siblings.
There’s evidence that families with children on the autism spectrum often adapt routines and priorities toward shared activities and caregiving, which can inadvertently make individual interests feel secondary.
However, thorough research in family psychology underscores the importance of self‑differentiation, the ability to maintain a sense of self while staying emotionally connected to one’s family.
This concept helps explain why adolescents naturally begin seeking experiences outside solely family contexts; it’s part of developing autonomy while still valuing family bonds.
The OP’s repeated experiences of activities being repurposed to include his siblings, often without his consent, reflect a family pattern where individual agency has been overshadowed by collective expectations.
His desire for a personal hobby isn’t antisocial or hurtful, it’s a normal expression of autonomy that supports emotional health and long‑term self‑development.
At the same time, the parents’ concerns about keeping the family connected and supporting siblings with autism are valid, research shows that family cohesion and emotional support contribute to well‑being for all members, including siblings of individuals with ASD.
The challenge arises when cohesion inadvertently becomes constraint, when support for one family member consistently eclipses another’s need for independence.
The OP should have an open and calm conversation with his parents, explaining that his desire for personal activities doesn’t mean he dislikes his siblings or family time.
He can acknowledge the importance of family cohesion while asserting his need for individuality, which is a natural part of adolescence.
His parents, in turn, could benefit from respecting his autonomy and supporting his interests without automatically including his siblings in everything.
Finding a balance between shared family experiences and personal activities will allow the OP to pursue his passions while maintaining healthy family bonds.
This could involve clear agreements about which activities are family events and which are individual choices, ensuring both his needs and the family’s values are respected.
When families explicitly value both cohesion and individuality, they create space where each member can thrive. The OP isn’t rejecting his siblings; he’s asserting his right to develop personally, and that’s a healthy part of growing up.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
These commenters emphasized the importance of the OP having their own interests and personal space, noting that forcing everything to be a family activity is detrimental.
This group pointed out that the OP’s siblings are being allowed to pursue their own interests without being forced into everything together
These commenters highlighted the potential long-term consequences of the parents’ actions, including future resentment, lack of extracurricular opportunities, and emotional neglect.
These s raised concerns about the parents’ lack of consideration for the OP’s future.
This situation is a classic struggle between personal boundaries and family expectations. The OP is clearly feeling trapped in a cycle of shared experiences that he never asked for, while his parents see it as a matter of family unity.
Was quitting the extracurriculars the only way for him to assert his independence, or did he overreact by shutting down opportunities? How would you balance family time and personal growth in a similar scenario? Drop your thoughts below!
