He Admits His Past Mistakes, But Should He Break His Children’s Boundaries Before Dying?

Some of the hardest decisions in life are the ones where there is no perfect answer.

Sometimes, even after years of trying to do the right thing, we are left wondering whether reaching out will bring comfort or reopen old wounds.

The original poster (OP) is facing the final months of his life after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

He has been separated from his three children for decades after they chose to cut contact because of his past struggles with mental illness and anger issues.

Now, he wants one final chance to apologize, but he is afraid that contacting them would be selfish.

Read on to see what advice strangers gave him before making this life-changing decision.

Dying father with a painful past considers reaching out to children he hasn’t seen in 25 years

The most important thing in this situation is that the OP is showing a level of self-awareness that many people never reach.

He is not writing to demand forgiveness or to justify his past behavior.

He openly acknowledges that his mental illness, anger, and narcissistic traits caused harm, and he has spent decades respecting the boundaries his children set. That matters.

At the same time, his children’s decision to stay away also matters. Twenty or twenty-five years of no contact is not a small separation.

For adult children who distance themselves from a parent, that choice often comes after years of emotional pain, exhaustion, or feeling that maintaining the relationship was harmful to their own wellbeing.

The difficult question is not simply, “Does he deserve to say goodbye?” The more important question is, “Would contacting them now serve their needs or his?”

The OP’s desire to apologize is understandable. Facing death naturally brings reflection, regret, and a wish to repair broken relationships.

Many people nearing the end of life want to resolve unfinished emotional business.

But an apology is only truly meaningful when it allows the other person freedom.

It cannot come with an expectation that the person receiving it must respond, forgive, visit, or provide comfort.

A respectful approach would be a single letter or message that gives his children complete control. Something like:

“I know I promised to respect your distance, and I have tried to honor that. I am reaching out only because I am nearing the end of my life. You do not owe me a response or a visit.

I want you to know I am sorry for the pain I caused you, and I love you. If you never wish to speak to me, I will still respect that.”

The key is removing pressure. His children should not feel that they have been given a deadline to forgive because he is dying.

There is also a chance that they may want contact. Some estranged children carry complicated feelings: anger, grief, curiosity, love, or a desire for closure.

Others may feel that reopening the relationship would bring back old wounds. Both reactions are valid.

The assets mentioned in the post are also complicated. Leaving an inheritance may be practical, but it should not become part of the emotional conversation.

Children should not feel they have to reconnect because money is involved, and the OP should not view financial support as a replacement for the relationship that was lost.

One thing that stands out is the OP saying he is “still fighting his demons.” That humility is significant.

People often underestimate how powerful it can be for someone to hear a parent finally take full responsibility without excuses.

The best possible final act may not be getting his children back.

It may be showing them, perhaps for the first time, that he understands their pain and respects their choices.

If he reaches out, he should do it once, gently, with no demands. Then he should allow them to decide what happens next.

Sometimes closure is a conversation.

Sometimes closure is knowing you finally offered love without asking for anything in return.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

These commenters supported a sincere apology letter without pressure or expectations

This group suggested reaching out respectfully through letters or intermediaries while accepting the children’s choices

 

These Redditors shared personal experiences with estranged parents and emphasized the complexity of reconciliation

 

This group questioned OP’s past actions and stressed that the children’s pain likely came from serious harm

After 25 years of respecting his children’s decision to stay away, OP is facing the hardest choice of his life: reaching out one last time before terminal cancer takes away the opportunity forever.

He understands the pain he caused and doesn’t want to reopen old wounds, but he also hopes for a final chance to apologize.

Do you think his children deserve the choice to know he is dying, or should their boundaries remain untouched? If you were in their position, would you want that final conversation? Share your thoughts below.