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Husband Comes Out After 8 Years, Then Demands Divorce And Full Custody

by Annie Nguyen
March 31, 2026
in Social Issues

Some life changes don’t just shift one person’s world, they ripple through an entire family. What starts as a deeply personal realization can quickly turn into something much more complicated when it intersects with marriage, children, and shared responsibilities.

That’s exactly what happened to one woman who thought she had a stable life with her husband and their two young kids. Then, one conversation changed everything.

While she tries to process what this means for their relationship, another layer of conflict begins to unfold, one that feels far less about honesty and far more about control. Keep reading to see how things escalated.

A woman’s world flips when her husband asks for a divorce and more

Husband Comes Out After 8 Years, Then Demands Divorce And Full Custody
not the actual photo

'AITA for being upset that my husband of 8 years came out as gay, wants a divorce, and is trying to take everything, including our kids?'

I (33F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 8 years, and we have two beautiful children together (6F and 4M).

Up until recently, I thought we had a good marriage.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing that ever made me think he was unhappy or that our relationship was falling apart.

A few months ago, my husband sat me down and told me that he’s gay and has only recently realized it.

He said he needs to live his truth and wants a divorce. I was blindsided.

I never saw this coming, and I feel like my entire world has been flipped upside down.

I understand that this is a big moment for him, and I want to be supportive, but I’m also hurt, angry, and heartbroken.

Here’s where things get worse. Not only is he asking for a divorce, but he’s also trying to take almost everything in the process.

He’s the main breadwinner in our family, and because of that, he’s arguing that he should get most of our assets, including the house.

We both contributed to our savings and household, but since his salary is higher, he feels entitled to more.

And if that wasn’t enough, he’s also filing for full custody of our kids.

He says he’s been a very involved father, which is true, but I’m just as involved, if not more.

I’ve been the primary caregiver since they were born. Yes, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression in the past,

but I’ve worked hard to manage it and be there for our children. Now he’s using that against me to try and take them away.

I feel like he’s not just ending our marriage, but he’s ripping my entire life apart. I get that he’s going through a lot,

but I don’t think it’s fair that he’s trying to take everything: our home, our savings, and, worst of all, our children.

I feel like he’s being selfish, trying to secure his future at the expense of mine and the kids’.

It’s like I’m being punished for something I had no control over.

He says I’m being unreasonable for not wanting to let him take the lead in the divorce or for being upset about what he’s asking for.

He claims he’s trying to be fair, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

So, AITA for being upset that my husband wants a divorce, is trying to take most of our assets,

and is fighting for full custody of our kids? Or am I overreacting because I’m emotional right now?

Update: I’m receiving a lot of negative messages from the r/amitheangel subreddit and in my inbox,

so I won’t be responding further to keep my situation private. I just wanted to seek advice.

Thank you to everyone who has offered guidance on what to do next.

Update 2: For those asking, no, I’m not in the US; I live in New Zealand.

I won’t be replying to comments as I’m here just to seek advice. If that makes me seem like a bot, so be it; I don’t care.

I already have enough on my plate. I’m currently in talks with a family attorney and a relationship property lawyer.

And no, I’m not interested in hooking up, so please stop sending those messages. Thank you to everyone

who has shared their personal experiences; it’s given me a lot of courage and confidence to stand up for myself.

especially when children are involved. Research from PubMed Central shows that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience emotional and behavioral challenges, particularly when the separation disrupts their sense of stability.

These effects aren’t uniform; some children adapt quickly, while others struggle for years, but one factor consistently stands out: the quality of the post-divorce environment.

What makes situations like this especially intense is not just the divorce itself, but the conflict surrounding it. When parents are locked in disputes over assets or custody, children often absorb that tension, even if no one explicitly explains what’s happening.

According to the same research, instability and ongoing parental conflict can increase the likelihood of anxiety, behavioral problems, and emotional distress in children.

This is where insights from The Gottman Institute become particularly relevant. Their work emphasizes that divorce is not just an event; it’s a “restructuring of the family’s emotional world.”

In fact, experts note that during divorce, parents often experience intense physiological stress responses that make it difficult to think clearly, communicate effectively, or make rational decisions.

Even more striking is how deeply children are affected by parental conflict. Research cited by Gottman suggests that children exposed to high levels of marital hostility show increased stress responses in their bodies, even if they don’t openly express distress.

In other words, kids don’t need to hear arguments to feel them; they internalize the emotional atmosphere around them. However, the same research also offers a hopeful perspective. What matters most is not the divorce itself, but how parents handle it afterward.

Children tend to adjust better when both parents remain emotionally supportive, cooperative, and involved in their lives. A stable co-parenting relationship can significantly reduce negative outcomes and even help children build resilience over time.

Ultimately, divorce is less about the ending of a marriage and more about the story that follows. As experts from Gottman explain, the way parents frame and navigate this transition can shape how children understand relationships, conflict, and emotional security in the future.

In situations filled with tension, fear, and uncertainty, one thing becomes clear: it’s not just the separation that matters; it’s how the story is told, lived, and carried forward.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

These Redditors urged her to get a lawyer and protect her rights

ghostoftommyknocker − There is no such thing as "taking the lead" in a divorce.

You have to get a divorce lawyer to tell you what your rights are and to represent your interests.

He's actually going to have to split assets and custody with you, and maybe pay you alimony,

but he clearly doesn't want you to realise what your divorce rights are.

Divorce laws exist to protect the more vulnerable partner from exactly this attitude and behaviour,

so you need to get a divorce lawyer involved asap.

What you need to do is the following and do it immediately: Agree to nothing, get a lawyer, follow the lawyer's advice.

savinathewhite − NTA. Lawyer, today. This isn’t about your relationship any more, it’s about making sure you

both walk away in an equitable and fair way, that won’t leave you or your children damaged.

1.) He’s been lying for years. 2.) He made no attempt to resolve anything through therapy.

3.) He is using emotional manipulation to get more in a divorce.

4.) He is trying to separate you from your children.

None of these are good faith behaviors, or indications that he’ll “be fair” Protect yourself and your children. Lawyer.

thisismybandname − Talk to a LAWYER not him. Like now.

Top-Spite-1288 − I'd ask your husband why he hates you that much! Seriously, that guy is the biggest AH! Get a lawyer.

If you are living in the west claiming "I earn more, I should get everything" is not the way it works.

Get a lawyer, go to court, he's in for a big surprise!

Alarming_Ad1746 − F__k him. In almost every US state, you are entitled to 50% of all the assets acquired

after marriage regardless of who earned them . .. and if you don't have a prenup.

And based on your narrative his custody claims are b__lshit. GET A LAWYER ASAP!

These commenters said he won’t get everything legally

ahhanoyoudidnt −  but since his salary is higher, he feels entitled to more. Yeh if you both live in the west

that guy is gonna get a surprise when this gets to court and he is also going to have to pay for your lawyer

mtngrl60 − OK. First thing I’m gonna tell you is to calm down. Take a few deep breaths.

None of the s__t that he wants is gonna happen. Let us all tell you that right now. It’s not going to happen.

There’s a very good chance he is asking for the entire universe because he knows it’s not going to happen,

but if he scares you, you will agree to the sun in the moon and the stars, which is what he really wanted.

So just take a minute and breathe. I’m going to give you a warning that this is going to be a little bit long.

But I really, really, really I’m going to urge you to read it.

OK? Mostly because you’re a little bit panicked and right now is when you need to be logical.

I hate to say it, but you’re gonna have to step all these emotions away inside for just a little bit.

So first of all, you don’t tell us what state you’re in. But almost every state in the USA, and it sounds like you’re in the United States,

is either an equitable distribution state or a community property state… Or a very close approximation to one of those.

So what that means is this: if you are in a community property state, marital assets are considered

to be 50-50 in the division of property. You can sometimes do mediation if the two of you agree to a slightly different split,

and if it’s still pretty, equitable for both parties, court will often approve it.   An equitable division of property state is just that.

They will absolutely take into account the fact that he is a higher earner, but that all of your finances

and goods have gone into this marriage as well.

And sometimes if you think about it, you are actually putting in a bigger percentage of your paycheck than he is.

But basically, the state is wanting to make sure that everybody comes out with something and nobody has left in the dust.

So either way, you’re gonna be OK. Most states, if he is earning quite a bit more than you,

there is a fairly good chance that you would be awarded maintenance for at least a short time to help you get established

as a single mom, because if you think he’s ever going to get full custody, then you are just as deluded as he is.

It’s not going to happen. So anyway, there’s a chance you may get maintenance at least for a little bit

to help you get reestablished and hopefully maybe find a higher pay job if you can.

And even if you wind up with 50/50 custody, you will more than likely get some child support as well

because the main main thought of the court system is that children should not go from one house that has all sorts

of amenities to living in a two room apartment simply because one parent made more money.

Again, they want it to be more equitable to cause the least disruption for the children.

Depending on where you’re at, the fact that he is coming out with having discovered he is gay may or may

not play against him as far as custody. I personally don’t think that’s the way things should be.

I think a parent is a parent. But you do need to take, or not, that is the reality of the situation situation still today.

And again, I personally don’t like it, but I told you have to be logical in looking at this, and that is part of it.

Finally, you need to immediately… And I mean like yesterday make certain that you have copies of all the paperwork

you can get your hands on. Even if it means taking pictures of it with your phone.

You will need all of this for your attorney. And your attorney is going to be able to do the best job they can for you

if they have the most complete picture you can give them. You start by gathering your birth certificate,

your marriage certificate, your children’s birth certificates, and a copy of his as well if you can get it.

You get your passport and your kids passports. You lock down your credit immediately.

You get all of your jewelry and important paperwork, and preferably, you get a safe deposit box and put it all in there.

You get copies of all joint bank account statements for the last 2 to 3 months, your tax returns for the last 2 to 3 years.

Copies of both yours and his most recent wage statements. Copies of any separate bank accounts each of you have if you can get his.

You will need your most recent mortgage statements or a copy of the date to the house.

Deeds or mortgage statements for any other properties owned. Registration slip/titles for the vehicles… All of them.

Copies of 401(k) statements or retirement plans or insurance policies.

And that includes health insurance, auto policies, life insurance, disability insurance, etc.

Copies of all household bills for the last 2 to 3 months. I’m talking cable/Internet. Water, sewer, electricity, gas.

Copies of all credit card statements no matter whose name they are in.

Basically anything, and everything that has to do with that household, whether it is an asset or a liability or a bill or money

that is owed or money that comes in, no matter where it comes from… You want all of it.

And you need to do this right away before he changes everything and you can’t get in or you can’t find the paperwork.

And you take it all to your attorney, and you lawyer up. You follow your lawyers instructions to the letter. No more and no less.

You don’t have extraneous conversations with your soon to be ex because he wants to discuss it with you.

You’re past that. Nothing he says. You reply in no way other than… Our attorneys will have to talk about that.

And you take no phone calls unless your kids happen to be with him and it could be about them.

But otherwise, everything that goes between you needs to be an email or text. You must absolutely keep a paper trail.

I’m really sorry to be the one to be so specific on this, but you can tell I’ve been through divorce.

I’m wishing you the best. Take a breath. You’re going to be OK.

This group backed her emotions and told her to fight back

RanaEire − "AITA for being upset that my husband wants a divorce, is trying to take most of our assets,

and is fighting for full custody of our kids? Or am I overreacting because I’m emotional right now?

"This is such an outrageous, monumental change in your life/relationship that I can't understand

WHY you would question if you are overreacting for being (rightfully) upset or if you are an AH for not doing everything your ex wants.

Get yourself the best lawyer you can afford, u/wifeinneedofhelp, and do NOT let him steamroll you. Fight back.

[Reddit User] − Get a lawyer. Don't listen to him; don't listen to his lawyer. Get a separate lawyer, dammit.

So many people cheap out and get the same lawyer, but that lawyer very clearly picks a side.

Not always the one who pays. And someone is always left in a s__tty situation.

Also, you never need to be supportive of his sexuality change. It's so normalized now; what is there to support?

Your feelings are valid. You don't need to put on a show. He is ruining the lives of your entire household.

Don't you dare give him applause because it took him a decade to figure out his sexuality only

to ALSO take everything away from you. That was incredibly cruel of him.

lucifero25 − F__k that. Get a lawyer immediately; the best he should be hoping for is 50/50.

Just because he’s hypnotised by some new d__k doesn’t mean he gets to take your kids and money, ffs.

These commenters criticized his behavior as unfair and harmful

[Reddit User] − NTA edit as so many people seem to be getting mixed up. I’m telling OP to tell the lawyer all this, not her husband.

Get your own lawyer quickly before you agree to anything.

Tell the lawyer that your ex is trying to take you to the cleaners and take your kids, who you’ve always been the main caregiver for.

That he somehow thinks him coming out as gay means he is entitled to anything he wants.

Yes, he earned more than you, but that’s because you raised your kids and still worked.

So you contributed far more to this family than him. Tell the lawyer you need him to fight for your right and to keep your children.

That you just can’t believe he thinks he could take full custody and you need to stop him.

Let him look over what your ex-husband's demanding and help make sure it doesn’t happen.

That he broke the family, not you, and now he’s trying to break you because of it.

rmas1974 − NTA - Talking as a gay man, you have my sympathy. I disapprove of closet homosexuals (of either gender)

who enter into hetero relationships and then mess up the partners' lives by coming out as gay later on and walking away

from these relationships. This brings gay people into disrepute. You have every right to be upset.

No-Top8126 − This man is trying to manipulate and bully you; stop listening to him NOW. Get a lawyer immediately.

What I find terrible is that this man always knew that he had these feelings, but in trying to conform to society's expectations,

he seems to think it is okay to step on someone's heart and try and crush their soul by trying to take everything

from you to make himself whole. Your a woman according to him, and you can get another man and have more kids;

you're expendable. He and his family now have a ready-made family, and if you cannot accept that,

then you're the villain disregarding everything you have put into this family. NTA,

When one partner rewrites the rules of a shared life, the fallout rarely stays simple. This story left readers torn between empathy and disbelief, understanding the courage it takes to embrace one’s identity but also recognizing the emotional and practical wreckage left behind.

Divorce is never easy, but when it comes with shock, fear, and high-stakes demands, it becomes something else entirely.

Do you think her reaction is justified given everything she’s facing, or is there more nuance to her side? And when personal truth clashes with shared responsibility, where should the line be drawn? Share your thoughts below!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS STORY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS STORY?

OP Is Not The AH (NTA) 0/0 votes | 0%
OP Is Definitely The AH (YTA) 0/0 votes | 0%
No One Is The AH Here (NAH) 0/0 votes | 0%
Everybody Sucks Here (ESH) 0/0 votes | 0%
Need More INFO (INFO) 0/0 votes | 0%

Annie Nguyen

Annie Nguyen

Hi, I'm Annie Nguyen. I'm a freelance writer and editor for Daily Highlight with experience across lifestyle, wellness, and personal growth publications. Living in San Francisco gives me endless inspiration, from cozy coffee shop corners to weekend hikes along the coast. Thanks for reading!

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